Society’s image of brave
Popular blogs write about “overcoming or conquering your fears” as if you’ll be confidently standing on the opposite side of fear. Movies stream what used to be struggling characters rising to the occasion in triumph and casting their fears aside. But, what if in your everyday life, as you face the stress of leaving the house, of meeting up with a date, of asking for that promotion, you don’t feel or look that courageous? Does that mean you’re doing it wrong?
As you take steps outside of your comfort zone, what if you’re sweating in your pits, trembling in your legs and ready to make a run for the bathroom, does that make you a coward? Or is that you being brave, even though you don’t look so put together?
I’ll come back to this in a moment.
Here’s my spider story
I don’t like spiders. Never have. They look freaky with all those legs. I scream every time I see one. I sometimes ask my husband to pick them up and put them in his garbage can. Other times, I just need to face them alone. I love LOTR but I dread the spider scene. Peter Jackson, I guess that’s one way to face your fear of spiders.
Anyhow, after all these years of needing to face spiders, I still haven’t overcome my fear of them, per society’s definition. I still scream bloody murder at the first sight of them, my heart races and if my husband is near, he’s it! But, if I need to face the creepy creature alone, I wet a square of paper towel (sorry trees!), fold it in half and I go into battle! Not as a triumphant warrior signaling a confident posture, mighty paper towel in hand. Rather, as a whimpering child, screaming the whole time as I charge towards the eight-legged speck.
Am I less afraid over time? No. Do I kill spiders, even though it causes a scene? Yes. Have I broken anything during these battles or allowed spiders to get in the way of my everyday life? No. Will I now voluntarily hold a tarantula at The Reptile Zoo? Hm, heck no!
The face of courage
What if courage isn’t so brave looking, but is full of screams, whether audible or something we keep to ourselves? What if sweating profusely while doing the hard thing is the face of courage? What if the problem is not in the discomfort of feeling afraid but in the fear that’s keeping us from doing what we want in life?
What if we don’t have to feel so confident as we face situations that are daunting, but rather, we forge ahead, even when we want to pee our pants? Confidence may be a side benefit of acting courageously, but it’s not a prerequisite to being brave. What’s more important is that you go after that spider or go on that date or ask for that promotion. Yes, you possibly risk the spider escaping (it has happened before!) or face rejection, but, what’s worse: attempting and not getting the outcome you want or never having attempted at all?
We’re here to help
If you need help acting brave even though you don’t feel or look so brave, we’re here for you. We’re a group of therapists who don’t always feel or look brave but still get up every morning to do what matters to us, which includes meeting with brave souls like you.
Just saying you need a bit of help along the way is an act of courage.
Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. If she ever needs to hold a tarantula, she’ll probably be in tears, drop the poor thing and make a run for the door. She has a lot of appreciation for bug petting zookeepers.