Weighting to Jump In: How Body Shame Made Me Miss the Party

Photo by Matthew T Rader on Unsplash

A public service announcement for all the women

Ladies, we are heading towards the latter part of summer… and of course season change typically includes a transition in wardrobe, at least in the Northwest. And as a curvy woman, I for one am ready to be done with the pressure to find the most “figure-flattering” swimsuit coverup, and spanx to avoid the uncomfortable chafing that inevitably results from 80-plus degree weather and thick thighs in a dress.

Trending toward body positivity

In general, I believe society is making progress around body inclusivity and size diversity. Big applause for public figures like models Iskra Lawrence and Ashley Graham who are using their beautiful bodies, and more importantly, voices, to speak out against body shaming and diet culture. The publicity around Nike’s effort to support the movement with their full-figured mannequin was epic - and hopefully just the beginning of more clothing companies actively promoting size diversity. 

I’m seeing more unfiltered Instagram accounts and people, not just women, owning their realness. It’s about damn time, but we’ve still got a ways to go. By “we” I mean “we” as a collective and as individuals. We cannot expect change to happen unless we are willing to do our part individually. And I, a mental health professional who works with people struggling with body image and disordered eating, struggled to do my part this summer.

This is my confession. 

How I ended up on a party boat

It was a beautiful Seattle Saturday a couple of weeks back. As a plus-one, I attended a promotional/marketing event for Seafair because my partner works in the hospitality industry. The event was hosted on a partnering company’s boat, which meant swimsuits, skin, and a lot of women who fit the bill for “traditional beauty standards.” I overheard women talking about their month-long cleanses in preparation for the event, two-a-day workout weeks, and compliments on each others’ physiques. Many of these women have become dear friends, and to be clear, I have zero judgement towards anyone who values these things. I’ve noticed this is also how lots of women bond and connect with one another. 

When self consciousness takes over

As we humans tend to do, I got caught up in my head on that boat because I saw no other bodies that looked like mine in swimsuits. I thought to myself, Where are all the Ashley’s and Iskra’s? The diverse women I’ve been flooding my social medias with to drown out the other filtered, photo-CHOPPED ads that otherwise pop up everywhere? I wondered if I’d just created a safety bubble for myself and if actually, the rest of the world really hadn’t expanded beauty ideals. The hard work I’d convinced myself I’d done around accepting my curvy body flew out the porthole. 

A couple of people asked why I was keeping my pants on (they were whooey pants-- the really loose, wide-leg kind that go “whoo whoo” in the wind) and not getting in the water with my friends. I replied self-degradingly, “I might have accepted my cellulite but I’m not sure that the rest of the world is ready for that yet,” and laughed. OMG you guys, the SHAME.

The thing is, I wouldn’t have given a shit if I’d seen anyone with cellulite. In fact, there were probably plenty of women with this NORMAL thingy happening on their skin, and I didn’t even notice because my brain was scanning for data that confirmed my self-conscious thoughts. 

If I could do it all over again

I have some regrets about that day. If I could have a do over, I’ll be brave enough to be the Ashley on that boat...because maybe it would have helped other self-conscious women on that boat rock their water-wear as well. After all, it was really hot, and I was really sweaty and uncomfortable, but my body-conscious anxieties kept me from doing things I actually cared about. My partner spent most of the afternoon floating off the back of the boat, staying cool in the water. Instead of watching my first Blue Angels airshow holding the hand of the person I love most, cooling off in a floaty next to him in the water, I sat on the opposite end of the boat, fully clothed and overheated, and missed out on a memory with him. 

Tapping into my values

While I’m trying to be self-compassionate around not feeling ready to be an Ashley just yet, I allowed my fear of negative judgment to dictate how I chose to live my life that beautiful Seattle Saturday. I was distracted from my personal values of making memories with my best friend, a core concept of Acceptance-Commitment Therapy (ACT). If I had slowed down and checked in with myself, I would remember the Health at Every Size Model (HAES), which emphasizes that every body is a swimsuit body. It de-stigmatizes fatness and people with bigger bodies; it reminds us that fat isn’t bad, nor is it a sound indicator of someone’s health… and certainly not someone’s worth. These are some of the tools I use to help my clients with body image and disordered eating. 

Taking a cue from the boys

What I also didn’t notice that day was any men discussing these subjects. The guys on the boat were rocking their swimmies with all sorts of body types; none were turning down the sandwiches provided to avoid looking bloated, because heaven forbid they were hungry. I didn’t hear any guys commenting on their bodies or shaming themselves. 

Gals - what if we’re mindful about speaking about ourselves unkindly? What would we hear? What if we avoided the calorie conversations at the table or the justifications for wanting the regular sized order instead of the half? We can learn to recognize that these critical thoughts are only thoughts, not absolute truths. 

It is okay and very nurturing to give your body what it needs and wants, which might be salad one day and ice cream the next. When we relinquish the rules and judgement around food and physique, food becomes less of a shame/reward system and begins doing what it’s supposed to: nourishing our bodies so we have the energy to be present for whatever it is we care about for the rest of the beautiful Seattle days to come. 

I am here

I may be a therapist, but I’m not perfect and I’m always learning from my mistakes. If you need someone to help you leave body shaming on the deck while you go for a swim, let’s talk. The party is in the water. 

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. Abby is excited that there are still a few good days of summer left to get a second chance to try out that swimsuit and enjoy the sun.

How I Stopped Procrastinating and Started Meeting my Goals

Photo by Brad Neathery on Unsplash

Procrastination at our house 

Over spring break I went on vacation with my family. When I go on vacation, I like to bring books. A lot of them! Mostly nonfiction and one good fiction book. I imagine myself relaxing and reading for hours on end...although this rarely happens. 

On this trip, I brought a book called Solving the Procrastination Puzzle by Timothy A. Pychyl. This particular book was not for me, of course, but for my daughter. You see, my daughter procrastinated her homework just about every night this past school year. Although she would eventually get her homework done that night, she would inevitably lose sleep doing it and would wake up the next day feeling exhausted. The whole cycle would drive me crazy! I would work with her on strategies to plan out her evening, making room for a mental break and then setting a time to get to work. 

Nothing helped. 

My book on procrastination was going to change my daughter’s life! What a helpful and dedicated parent I was! As I started reading about all of the things people procrastinate on - eating healthy, saving for retirement, reaching out to a friend, homework, writing a blog…it suddenly hit me...I am a procrastinator! This is not about my daughter at all. This is about me! Ugh! 

Why do I procrastinate?

What is preventing me from getting the things done that I want and need to get done? I often make excuses that it is too hard, I am not in the mood right now, I will feel like doing it later, I need to do other things first like clean my house, do laundry, declutter...I mentally dismiss my need for doing the task by saying it’s not that important, I don’t really need to do that, there is no rush. 

But deep down, I know I am lying to myself. When I think of doing something I don’t want to do I get a feeling of dread and overwhelm and before I know it, my negative self talk starts to take over. Procrastination makes me feel better by giving me short term relief from doing the dreaded task. 

I temporarily feel better! Only to feel worse later.

Is it really that big of a deal to procrastinate? 

What’s the big deal? Everyone procrastinates, right? The problem is that not only do these undone tasks hang over my head, they make me feel bad about myself and get in the way of my ability to live my best life. When I procrastinate, I am not achieving my goals. This takes a hit to my self esteem. I start to wonder  - why am I not living my life according to my goals and values?

Wow! When I really thought about it, I realized that procrastinating has a huge impact on my life and how I view myself. And I thought this was all about my daughter!

How I get motivated 

As a human and a trained therapist, I consider what’s going to help me get motivated. If I want to help my daughter and my clients, I need to figure out what’s going to help me. Here’s what I came up with:

• Scheduling time. With a little bit of practice and diligence, I try to schedule when I am going to sit down to get started on a project. Whether it’s at a specific date and time or after a planned activity. 

• Noticing avoidance patterns. I try to be kind with myself in my expectations and pay attention to what I am saying to myself about my ability to get this task done. When I start to go down the very deceptive path of procrastination...I notice my trigger thoughts of I’ll feel more like doing that tomorrow or first I need to walk my dog and use that as a reason to get started...even if it’s just for twenty minutes. 

• Managing expectations. I take note of the negative emotions that I am associating with the task and remind myself that I don’t need to do the task perfectly, it just needs to be good enough. This gives me a break from unrealistic expectations. Then...I think of how great it will feel to have the task completed and my goals achieved!

For more tips on increasing motivation, here’s an additional article. 

What about my daughter?

Even though this has not been helpful in the slightest bit to my daughter, maybe the most helpful thing I can do as a parent is to lead by example. No wonder she procrastinates! I’ve taught her well!

Progress not perfection

Don’t get me wrong...I still procrastinate. In fact this blog was supposed to be done a month ago...but I am working on progress, not perfection!

If you struggle with the pressure to get things done and don’t know where to start, trust me, I understand, and I’m here for you. Let’s figure out what works for you. 

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Kristin O’Hara is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps couples find love and connection in their relationship. She also helps people struggling with midlife transitions. She is thankful to have kids who help remind her to be the best version of herself.

Why You Can't Relax In Someone Else's Yard (And What To Do About It)

Photo by CandiceP on Pixabay

Feeling weird as a guest 

The weather is warming up, which for many of us means travel plans to see old friends, maybe visit the in-laws this summer. I’ve written about the stress of hosting in the past, but it goes both ways: If you find yourself feeling weird as a guest - not knowing what to do with yourself and generally uneasy, you’re not alone.  This definitely falls into the “first world problem” category. But it’s a real thing, and I’m determined to find ways to overcome this mild annoyance.  

Not my own space 

I was visiting a friend recently over the weekend, and I had a bit of down time between activities. I hit the backyard by myself to get some fresh air and to give the host (and her husband and kid) some space. I stretched out on the grass, waiting to feel centered, to feel like myself again. While the sun felt good on my face, and I enjoyed the quiet breeze, I still didn’t get a reprieve from feeling generally uncomfortable. As long as I was in their yard, I couldn’t relax, and definitely couldn’t meditate the way I would in my own space. 

This could come down to classic social anxiety. When you’re already socially anxious, being away from home and someone’s guest exacerbates and highlights the anxiety because there is no escape to your comfort zone.

While I’ve never ended a trip early as a result of it, the thought has crossed my mind. 

Giving up control

Even when you visit the best of friends or notice very thoughtful touches to your stay, the guest is often in a position of less power. You have little control over the plan for the day, when you eat, when you sleep, and when you poop. This can feel chaotic to those of us who like a certain routine. If I can’t unbutton my top button after meals, let alone walk around the house in my undies, do I even want to see Cincinnati?! Well yes, I suppose I do. But the point stands.

Being a guest can take away your sense of agency. You might revert back to a state of helplessness, like a kid waiting for mom to tell you when to wake up, make meals, and take you to soccer. Even when asked what I want to do, I can lose sight of my own needs. I feel like I’m at the whim of the host - they know their town best and I have little idea what I want from a new experience. It’s different when I travel to a new place where I book a hotel room, and decide my itinerary; then I at least have some control over my day. 

All that to say, being a house guest can be disorienting.

The overly accommodating guest 

I’m the kind of introverted extrovert combo that loves people, but doesn’t know what to do with them. Even close friends and family. I’m also an empath, overly in tune with how others are feeling. I would never want my presence to be the cause of any unneeded stress for my host. This in turn makes me feel like I’m imposing, invading their space, in the way, a burden. I feel an incessant need to help and be accommodating. I know this can become annoying, so I check myself and then feel like I’m not helping enough. It’s a vicious cycle of self-censorship and anxiety. 

That makes it hard for me to enjoy my stay and their company.  

5 tips for overcoming guest anxiety

The point of traveling and seeing friends out of town is to have fun! And all my complaints are most definitely fun-killers.  Vacations should be relaxing, so I came up with ways to check all this anxiety and keep a level head:

1.     Get curious. Take an interest in the new and be open to new experiences. Set aside expectations, and try to keep an open mind to whatever ends up happening.

2.     Take a break when you need down time. No one can be non-stop fun all the time. And don’t worry if a nap in the hammock isn’t relaxing like it would be at home. You’re not in your element, and the newness can cause anxiety. That’s ok - frame it as a new experience.

3.     Offer to help, but don’t go over the top. Wash the dishes a couple times, clean up after yourself, but otherwise let the host do their host thing. Chances are, they don’t want you to take over running their home.

4.     Keep the trip short. I’m talking…one weekend. If it turns into a longer trip, find ways to entertain yourself, figure out your own transportation, do some exploring on your own. This will minimize the feeling that you’re a burden, and will give you some stories to share with your hosts about your adventures when you reconvene at the end of the day.

5.     Remember most hosts are happy to have you. They want to show off their city, wow you with a home cooked meal and impress you with the new kitchen remodel. Show your appreciation, and let them know when you’re enjoying yourself.

Get real

We all have a persona we put on when we’re “on” around people, and one that lets loose when no one is around. The irony is that I’m most comfortable, my best self - the one I want to share with others -  when I’m alone. If only I could teleport the relaxed, alone version of myself into someone else’s space for the weekend!

Sometimes visiting friends in new places brings out some realness. Ask yourself (and be honest when you answer): Do you truly like traveling? Do you prefer your own space? Are you curious? Are you open to going along with someone else’s plans?  It’s ok if the answer isn’t a resounding “yes!” 

I know it’s romantic to have a sense of adventure, to be carefree and spontaneous. But it’s also human to want comfort, peace, home, familiarity. Traveling and being a houseguest is revealing - it’s a great way to learn about yourself, your likes, dislikes, and best and worst traits. Think of it as a personal challenge and a learning experience. 

We can help!

I hope you have some fun plans for the summer. But if you just plan to stay in and read a book in the shade with some iced tea, that’s also great. Now if even the thought of going on these trips causes anxiety, we have counselors who can help! Does your relationship need a tune-up before visiting the in-laws? Or, are you feeling anxious seeing your high school friends again and you don’t know what to say? Improving couple relationships and managing social anxiety is our bread and butter, or toast and avocado. 

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz Extraordinaire at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She is looking forward to a family reunion next weekend to celebrate the 4th, and she’s thankful that it will be at a campground so that no one will have to be concerned about being on their best guest behavior.

Perfection Sucks (Here's Why)

Photo by Taylor Smith on Unsplash

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy-- the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.

-Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

The lens we grew up with

Like many of my clients, I used to struggle with this aching pressure to be “perfect.” To have it all together, be “good”, hard-working...always be there for others in a time of need. That’s because patterns of human behavior are established during early childhood, both directly and indirectly, and we tend to repeat them throughout our lives… unless we are able to gain insight around them. Through lived experiences, these patterns are either confirmed or disputed. Since we’re not always conscious of them, we can go about our lives living out these messages as “truths”. For better or for worse, these beliefs then become the lens by which we understand ourselves and others in the world.

A recovering perfectionist

Hi, I’m Abby and I’m a recovering perfectionist.

My upbringing informed me that I could earn a sense of belonging and “lovability” by being “good” and doing what I thought I was supposed to. I pressured myself to hide insecurities and flaws for fear of rejection. Inevitably, those imperfections revealed themselves at times. When they did, I felt ashamed. In other words, I felt shi*y about myself… like really shi*ty.

Shame is a heavy feeling that makes us want to hide. It tells me that I’m “bad” and it did a number to my self-esteem and growth. The vulnerability in having my flaws and shortcomings be known was terrifying and avoided at all costs. My internalized belief went something like this: “If you really knew me, you wouldn’t like me.”

My shadowy parts were best kept… well, in the shadows.

My clients as my teachers

Enter the power of therapy. No, it’s not what you think. My clients were my teachers!

When I first began working with clients, I felt strangely connected to them as I got to know them. I wondered where it came from and why it felt so different, so much more fulfilling than any of my other relationships at the time. My clients were of different ages, genders, races, cultures, and socio-economic status… one client was just beginning to learn English. We couldn’t have been more “different.” So how was it that I felt so unusually close to them?

Brene’s work was staring me in my face.

Flaws and shortcomings: Please come in!

Clients were showing up and expressing their worries, regrets, greatest insecurities, and deepest fears. I sat with them as they spoke and felt it. They were allowing me to see their shadowy parts and really letting me in. The thoughts and feelings they exposed didn’t make them bad or unlovable… On the contrary, it humanized them and made them relatable and real. Though our stories and struggles were not the same, I was able to connect and feel close to them because of their vulnerability. As I empathize with them, they felt seen and accepted for their authentic selves, comprised of all the black and white and grey in between.

Perfectionism: You may step down now

The experience I gained from my clients prompted me to seek this kind of authenticity in other relationships. Not gonna lie, it was hard. It definitely rocked the boat in some relationships and ended others, but it also created room for more intentional relationships moving forward. I learned that while the image of perfection might attract others’ envy, attention, or idealization… it sure as shit doesn’t foster meaningful relationships or a genuine sense of belonging.

If you look at it from another perspective, the people we think have it all together often makes us feel bad… because we know we don’t. Our self-esteem gets slapped. We probably find relief in the moments when “perfect” people mess up and aren’t so perfect.

Because if even they mess up, perhaps we can too.

Free to be fully me

Once I’d decided enough was enough, there was this sense of liberation in knowing that it was okay to have flaws and screw up and be wrong. The shame subsequently dissipated because I no longer believed the shadowy parts made me “bad.” Negative feelings come and go easier. The sky isn’t falling when I realize I mess up or when I hurt people I care about. The “I’m sorry” doesn’t taste like vinegar.

Free to be fully you

We all feel pressure to conform to an idealized image of ourselves, whatever your version of “perfection” is. Please don’t judge yourself for it… it’s not your fault. And, if you do judge yourself for it… that’s okay too. We can work on that. You might struggle with criticism, difficult relationships or low self-worth. If that’s the case, you can start your journey toward self-acceptance and real connection with others. I’m here to walk alongside you, and your shadow.

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. Abby looks forward to meeting each new client, because each person she meets is an opportunity to grow and learn from each other.

Lone Rangers Need Friends Too: Finding Community in an Increasingly Isolated World

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Making light of loneliness

The only thing I can bring myself to watch lately is comedy shows. My latest fixation is on the Netflix special Getting Coffee in Cars with Comedians, in which Jerry Seinfeld takes comedians out to coffee. When two comedians get together, they commiserate about the state of the world and their fears and insecurities, but always find a way to make it funny.  Comedy shows remind me of the human condition which is this: We all struggle, and we all feel desperately lonely sometimes. This is even when, and perhaps especially when, we have all the fame and money in the world.

I know this sounds depressing, but it’s meant to be reassuring. We are all in this tough world together, so we might as well laugh as a way to cope.

If famous comedians with millions of adoring fans feel this lonely, where does that leave us regular folks?

We have all been there

In her last post, Ada made an appeal for social inclusion, urging readers to reach out to those who may feel excluded. It inspired me to pay attention to people who may not be in my inner circle, but it also reminded me of all the times I have felt excluded.
I was that painfully shy kid in school, so it’s a sensitive topic. It’s been 20 years since junior high but still feels #toosoon. And even as an adult, I have felt abandoned by flaky friends, like a loner on many a Friday night, or terrified of rejection when I initiate hangouts.

So, I wanted to talk about what this young adult does when she feels like the “other.” 

The loneliness epidemic

So many people live in solitude and wish they had more connection. We all know that feeling lonely is emotionally distressing, but science also confirms that it can lead to a whole slew of health problems. And conversely, people who are well connected live longer and happier lives.

We Americans pride ourselves on our individualism and place a lot of value on independence - that cowboyin’ lone ranger mentality. But we are social creatures, and even lone rangers need friends. Friendships came so naturally when we were kids surrounded by peers, but once we’re no longer in proximity of a social group, making new friends gets difficult. As we get older, many of us are worse at maintaining friendships. The fact that we're highly mobile and can move half way across the world also doesn't help. But, as we get older, our need for friendships doesn’t diminish.

You can try to counteract this disconnect with social media “friends,” but unless you’re using Facebook to decide where to meet the gang in real life, the social media experience can leave us feeling empty. We all crave acceptance, closeness, and meaningful connections.

Do you get lonely sometimes?

If you answered yes to this question, you're normal. Admitting that you feel lonely takes courage, because we humans have our egos to protect. It means confronting our social insecurities and realizing our relationships are not where we'd like them to be. We tend to blame ourselves for feeling this way, as if it shows that we're weak for needing others. So this is how it goes down: we feel lonely, we beat ourselves up for feeling this way, and we cope by trying to convince ourselves we don't need community.

It just doesn't work.

Welcome to the party

You are one of many lonely people. The irony is that our feelings of loneliness unite us all. Everyone feels this way sometimes, even people who seem to have it all. If you have a tendency to get lonely, studies show that it’s not your fault. The feeling of loneliness begins a vicious cycle: We crave companionship, and if we sense the slightest rejection, we perceive people’s reactions to us negatively and we feel more sensitive than usual. This further perpetuates our feelings of loneliness. Psychologist John Cacioppo explains this perceived rejection here.

The problem with the simple solution

Well-meaning acquaintances probably tell you to “just get out there and meet people,” enthusiastically suggesting that you get on a dating app or join a knitting circle. But it’s not that simple. Social interaction doesn’t necessarily make us feel any less alone. Sometimes the more people we are surrounded by, the lonelier we get.

Even people in relationships get lonely; in fact, a strained relationship in which you feel distance between you and your partner can make you feel more solitary than actually being alone. There are also the happily married couples who found companionship, but got so caught up with their relationship and family life that their social outlets dwindled over time.  

Want to combat loneliness?

It turns out, one thing that helps to combat loneliness is learning how to interact better. If you identify as someone who perceives slights that might not actually be there, a trained therapist can help you read social cues so you can interact with the world in healthier ways. You’ll see with practice that what we may view as rejection may not be so, and over time you’ll build up the courage to approach others, make plans, and interact with less fear.

Opening up

Knowing how common the feeling of loneliness is might help you be more open about it.  Try telling a confidant that you’re dealing with this, and they might just share their struggles of feeling isolated as well. Much like the comedians confiding in each other about their anxieties, we can find fellow lonely souls who may share our concerns. This sense of comradery is good for our souls.

You’d be amazed at the kindness you might encounter when you open up and show vulnerability. Here's a better cycle: Vulnerability can beget vulnerability.

Put yourself first

It may seem counterintuitive to focus your attention inward when you’re already feeling so self-aware. But try it. Take your attention off the external world “out there” and do things for yourself that make you feel worthwhile. Imagine a lovely guest from out of town is coming to stay with you. How would you treat your friend? Would you cook special meals, make their bed and keep the house tidy? Well…the twist is, that guest is you! Pamper yourself, respect yourself, tend to your needs. This diverts attention from your expectations of others and things that are outside your control.

Ease into the world at your own pace

As a lonely person, I used to try combat my own solitude by inviting everyone I know to hang out at once. These bashes rarely went well, and usually had two outcomes: 1) people would show up, I’d feel all this pressure to make it fun. I wasn’t in my comfort zone and I’d get overwhelmed and vow to never do that again… or 2) almost no one would show up. As a sensitive gal, I’d internalize this as meaning I’m unlovable as a friend and the rejection cycle ensues.

I learned over time that it'd be in my best interest to embrace my introversion.  I started small and continue to take small steps. I run with my strengths, not my weaknesses. I do better with an intimate crowd of one or two and I'm happy with that. 

Be true to you

When you’re ready to go out in the world, find what works for you. Do what makes you feel comfortable so that you can be excited about it. Your interests and hobbies make you who you are. Go find your people. There is a crowd for every interest these days and sharing your likes with others can be a gateway to making connections. Sites like Meetup.com allow you to find activities based on shared interests. Find art classes, lectures, or musical events that provide a structured activity so there is less pressure to interact. If you’re religious, try joining community events at your congregation.

There is no pressure to keep attending social events if they don’t feel right. But, putting yourself out there is a form of therapy called “exposure therapy.” The theory is, the more you expose yourself to an uncomfortable situation, the less white knuckling you'll be doing and more at ease you will feel with time.

The key to being around others? Enjoy the activity as your first priority, and if connections happen, that's the cherry on top.

You got this!

Meeting new people can be intimidating. Go easy on yourself and treat yourself with compassion as you navigate this strange new world. Having a professional around to help you through this process can make a big difference. Talk to a therapist for guidance if you’re not sure where to start. You know where to find us.

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Karen Lenz is the Executive Assistant at People Bloom Counseling. She’s the office admin whiz - not a therapist. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She is thankful to get to share her experiences with you, and hopes that her messy journey might resonate with you and make you feel less alone.

5 Tips for Surviving the Overwhelm

Photo by nikko macaspac on Unsplash

A COMMON EXPERIENCE

In an earlier post, I wrote about helping my playmate Tammy and her son Trevor move. Well, last month, Trevor got sick at school and he was sent home for much of the week. Tammy, a single mom, could not afford to miss so much work. It so happened that Tammy’s family was out-of-town and she also started part-time school. Tammy was at her wits end, and as her good friend, I did not respond well.

Say, just because I’m a therapist doesn’t mean I'm always patient and stoic. Even I don't have my sh*t together all the time. But, that’s probably content for a different post.

As I debriefed the incident with Tammy, it reminded me that this is a common experience. The work project is due on the same week the in-laws are coming in, and the hot water tank failed while little Joey developed chicken pox. Some of the events were foreseeable; others were sprung on us and converged into the perfect storm. When all is said and done, one can probably laugh about it. But in the midst of the chaos, what are we to do to survive these moments?

5 Tips for the Overwhelmed

1. Ask for help yesterday

Okay, I don’t mean to sound facetious, but I am suggesting for you to ask for help before things are in dire straits. We live in a culture where people are prized for doing it all by themselves. To ask for help is to show that you don’t have it all together, that you’re not making the cut. But the thing is, we all lean on each other to get through life and others might not know that you’re drowning or might not understand the kind of help you need until you ask. Even if the ask is simply, “I don’t know what I need, but I can’t pull this off by myself!” That’s cuing the other person to problem solve with you when you don’t have the bandwidth to do so alone.

I want to emphasize asking for help early on because by the time you’re feeling desperate, any sign of rejection is taken as a slap in the face and you’re more likely to shut down and not reach out. That will often make things worse. When things haven’t hit rock bottom but you’re feeling the strain of the situation, you still have it in you to communicate about your needs and give the other person time to plan ahead. If that person is not available, others might still be.

You don’t have to wait until you’re at the end of your rope to say you need a little help along the way. Sometimes having people remove just a thing or two from your plate is enough to give you clarity about your next steps, rather than feeling stuck in the overwhelm.

2. Don’t think about the other person when asking for help

This is important enough to put in its own category. There’s a tendency to consider whether another person can give the help before we even ask. Oh, it’s the weekday, people have their lives. It’s the weekend, people are busy. I can’t ask; that person lives so far away. I know for sure they have soccer practice on Wednesday nights so I wouldn’t want to interrupt their schedule. Chances are you’re right. We’re all busy, or often times we look it because that’s another thing our society values. But, can you puh-lease let the other person decide whether they can help you, rather than deciding for them?

What if they want to help you and can bring over take-out, rather than cooking at home? What if Garret can step in to take the kids to soccer, freeing your friend up for laundry service? You don’t know what other people might decide to do when you present them with the need. By not asking or by asking during a crisis, it closes off the possibilities that are available to all of you.

3. Drop the ball on other things

I get it. I know you have a lifestyle to maintain; you still want to pack lunches, eat nutritious meals and do your exercises. You’re pissed off that expected and unexpected things are disrupting your routine. Listen: You can’t have it all. Not right now. There’s too much going on. Some things have got to give. I wouldn’t say this to you when you’re just going about your everyday predictable life. When things are not going as planned, it’s important to pivot and see what you can get off your plate, including the things that are already there before sh*t hit the fan.

This is not about giving up or giving in; it’s about being adaptable to your circumstances. If you eat frozen dinners, miss yoga and run a just good enough meeting, no one is going to die. When you’re no longer putting out fires and you have more in you, you can go back to doing you.

4. Take it a moment at a time*

So you have lots to do and you want everything to be fixed two days ago. You can’t possibly imagine how you’re going to get through the week because the more you anticipate what’s ahead, the more overwhelmed you feel. If you’re not already aware, your ability to make sound decisions goes out the window when there’s too much going on. Now is simply not the time to think about your final exam in two weeks, your kid’s birthday party in a month or your performance review coming up. There is enough on your plate you don’t need to pile on more. Now is only about how you can get through this moment without making things worse.

What do you need to do right here, right now to resolve the most pressing thing? What do you need to do the next hour to chip away at this other problem? What needs to happen tonight to plan for tomorrow morning? During periods of overwhelm, just focus on the immediate, putting one foot in front of the other. When you’re past this storm, you can look up again to see how you’ve pulled it off, hopefully with some help.

5. Do the opposite of what you want to do*

There’s a tendency to want to self-sabotage when we’re going through a hard time. Thoughts like What’s the point? No one cares. I can’t do this anymore! This is too hard. Why me? will frequent your mind at the most opportune time. Why this happens is a topic for a different post, but what’s more important is that you don’t entertain these thoughts or act on them. Instead, when you want to give up, lean in. When you don’t want to call a friend, call your friend. When you don’t want to get out of bed, get out of bed and start on whatever you know would help the situation.

Do the opposite of what you want to do so that by doing so, you might, though not guaranteed, bring on feelings of hope, relief and comfort, which is the opposite of despair, misery, and distress. Be active by acting the way you want to feel because if you wait until you feel better before you do something, that day may never come. Especially not during times of overwhelm.

EXPECT IT

All this to say, while we're still living and breathing, we'll go through rough patches. This is life. But, it doesn't mean we're helpless to our circumstances. Rather, in light of life's difficulties, how will we get through them and hopefully grow some wisdom along the way...

If you’re feeling the strain and need help, reach out. If you’re in the thick of it, now is a good time too. I specialize in couples and cancer patients and Bob works with teens and millennials. We’re here for you and we can help you get through this overwhelm.

*Borrowed from the traditions of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. During times of overwhelm, she finds it most helpful to reach out to her husband, eat sushi, and ask for prayers from her favorite people. She’s about getting through that day, because the next day, will be a new day. It always is.

How to Fall Asleep When your Mind Just Won't Quit

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Have you ever laid in bed and your mind is racing, thinking about everything from that spreadsheet at work to a comprehensive list of your deepest regrets? Sleep deprivation affects your memory, mood, eating habits and your ability to function effectively. If you struggle to fall asleep or you wake up in the middle of the night and start planning and worrying, it can seem like nothing will get you to the sleep state you crave. And we all know that worrying about not being able to sleep is exactly what makes is impossible to fall asleep. Welcome to the sleep conundrum.

I am not a therapist, but a busy bee like you with a lot of practice tossing and turning at night. But because I struggle, I also want to share a compilation of methods I’ve tried that work for better sleep. I call it a lullaby for grown-ups. 

For better sleep, change habits first

• Don’t eat or drink alcohol close to bedtime. Have your last meal a few hours before bed.
  

• Put away your phone or devices while in bed. Electronics are making your mind overactive.
  

• Avoid caffeine and stimulants after a certain point in the day. For coffee drinkers, the cut-off for your last cup will depend on your sensitivity to caffeine. But if you struggle to fall asleep, consider finishing your last cup by 4pm, brewing it a bit weaker, or replacing it with herbal tea.
  

• Create a bedtime ritual. You don’t need to devote much time to it to feel the positive effects. Set aside 30 minutes for yourself before bed to decompress. Tuck the kids and put aside obligations, chores, and screens. Meditate, stretch, relax with tea or a hot toddy, listen to soothing music or all of the above!

Get comfortable

Being mindful of your surroundings at night can go a long way. At bedtime, you get to reward yourself with rest for getting through a hard day, and you want to feel good. Have you ever asked yourself if you’re actually comfortable? Before bed, eliminate any physical obstacles that you have control over:

• Body aches can keep us awake. Do what helps your body to reduce the pain - a cold or hot compress, or pain reducers if your body/doctor allows for that.
  

• If you’re too hot or too cold, itchy or scratchy, adjust blankets and sleepwear accordingly.
  

• Change your physical surroundings in ways that make you feel restful. If white noise is soothing to you, turn on a fan. If that sliver of light through the window bothers you, put up a light-blocking curtain.

Instead of counting sheep, count your inhales and exhales

Perhaps you’re lying in bed as alert as ever and considering just getting up and starting your day at 1 AM. Before you give up, try some of these tips.

• Bring your attention to each body part touching the bed. Notice how your stomach rises and falls. How each arm makes contact with the bed. Notice how your neck feels on the pillow, considering the weight of your head. As you notice each joint, muscle and bone, you might feel the sensation that you’re sinking into the bed. Your body might let go more..
  

• When thoughts start invading your mind and keeping you awake, redirect them and say “thanks mind.” Replace your thoughts with 5 second counts for each inhale and exhale. Breathe deeply, counting each breath in and out for a few minutes.

Thoughts will continue to come back, because the job of the mind is to generate thoughts. When that happens, “thank” your mind for doing its job and re-focus on your breathing and your body.

The wheels of our mind don’t always know when to quit. If your thoughts keeps creeping up on you, it’s time to reason with it.

Using logic to reason with your brain

Did you know the amygdala is the part of your brain responsible for emotional processing? In our hunting and gathering days, this region of our brain alerted us to predators and dangers. When our ancestors saw a mountain lion, they became hyper-alert, their heart would race, and breathing would speed up.

Today the amygdala continues to alert us to dangers that may not be real threats. Your brain doesn’t distinguish between the sight of a mountain lion and the deadline at work. The fear response is a residual protective mechanism to prepare you for fight or flight.

That said, here’s how to reason with your brain:  

• Thank your brain for its service, and remember that the anxiety you feel because of your thoughts present no real danger: you will survive that presentation, family function, or interview. If guilt or past pain are the culprits of your emotional state of mind, remember they serve no purpose right now. Forgive yourself and others, even if just in this moment.
  

• Ask yourself, “does thinking about this now solve any problems?” If not, your mind will find a way to deal with your source of worry during the day. Life will be there tomorrow. Thinking in terms of the best approach to solve problems, you can acknowledge that losing sleep won’t help anything. That said, don’t be too hard on yourself for having all these thoughts. Remember, they are natural. Your brain is just doing its job.
  

• If you absolutely must think about something at night that you don’t want to forget by the morning then keep a notepad by your bed and write it down. Don’t go looking for the Notes app on your phone; pen and paper work best here.

Once you’ve leveled with your brain, get back to breathing

Continue deep breathing and awareness of the sensations in your body.  Breathing with intention is a no-brainer solution to any stress, but it’s amazing how often we forget to do it (or sometimes how to do it). Focus on breathing deeply, and on how your physical body feels. When you feel heavier physically and a little groggier mentally, then you’re closer to being in a sleepier state.
                                                                         …

If sleeplessness is a recurring problem for you, consider talking to your doctor and addressing potential insomnia or other health concerns that can affect sleep. Melatonin can be helpful as an option before turning to pharmaceutical drugs.

We’re all on this journey to make the most out of life but that requires giving our brains and bodies good rest. Wishing you sweet dreams. You can use some peace and a good night’s rest. 

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Running a small business is non-stop work, which means Ada’s blog sometimes gets pushed to the back burner. As the Executive Assistant here at People Bloom, I mentioned that I like to write, and Ada kindly offered for me to contribute blogs during busy times. I was thrilled! Now you know I like writing, but I also love to garden, cook, hike with my fiancé, and play on the pottery wheel.
I’m an office admin whiz - not a therapist. I write blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. Thank you for letting me share a part of myself. Maybe my journey will resonate with you, and we’ll get through this messy life together.
                                                                        - Karen Lenz

5 Tips for Managing Seasonal Affective Disorder

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'Tis the season to be sad

While I don’t wish this upon you, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a thing around here. Especially with the end of daylight saving time, we’re feeling the effects of brighter mornings and less evening light. Given how much we love our Seattle summers, the shift into chilly, rainy weather, bare trees and gloomy skies is enough to make many of us want to crawl into bed and stay there.

If you are already struggling with depression, you might feel the effects of it more. If your mood is often weather-dependent or you’re a transplant from a sunnier climate, chances are it’ll affect you too. While winter solstice is less than seven weeks away, let’s help you figure out how to get through this long stretch of fall and winter months.

Before we talk about what to do, let’s address the symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).

SAD defined

SAD mirrors symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder, also commonly known as Depression. You might have SAD if you:

• feel depressed
• don’t want to do the things you used to enjoy
• have low energy
• have trouble sleeping, often times oversleeping
• experience changes in your appetite, often times crave unhealthy comfort foods and experience subsequent weight gain
• feel agitated or sluggish
• have difficulty concentrating
• feel hopeless, worthless or guilty
• have frequent thoughts of death or suicide

If you have thoughts of wanting to hurt or kill yourself, you need to stop reading this and call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at (800) 273­-TALK (8255). If you have a milder form of SAD but you’re feeling down, struggling to get out of bed, overeating, gaining weight and saying no to social engagements, then here are some recommendations for you.

5 ways to move through SAD

1. Light therapy

You know that it’s a common purchase when they sell it at Costco. Therapy lamps provide bright, artificial white light during months of diminished sunshine. Keep it in a well-trafficked area and follow instructions for use between 20-60 min. Depending on your circadian rhythm, you might find the light exposure helpful in the morning or the evening. Remember to choose a light box that emits 10,000 lux, which is equivalent to 20x that of usual indoor lighting. With lesser lux units, you might need to use the lamp for longer to get the same effect.

2. Physical activities

I don’t mean exercise. The gym is not for everybody. Rather, there are a lot of fall and winter activities that can get your heart pumping and your brain releasing happy hormones. It can be indoor climbing, yoga, laps in the pool, racquet ball, even housework. Outdoors you have a walk around your office or neighborhood, winter hikes, and snow sports.

Now I understand the fact that you feel SAD means you don’t want to move very much. However, if you wait until you want to do something before you do it, you might never do it! Instead, act the way you want to feel. That said…

3. Positive activities

What activities used to bring you alive? What did you use to enjoy? Or, what is something new you’d like to try? It can be a physical activity listed above or it can be art walks, concerts, a meetup, a good novel, a weekend away. You can be with strangers, close friends or be by yourself. Given the tendency to socially withdraw, I’d recommend doing some activities with others and developing accountability to increase follow-throughs. While there’s no guarantee that you’d feel better afterwards, it’d help you in the long run to stay active and engaged in life.

4. Medication

I don’t know how you feel about taking meds, but sometimes an anti-depressant is necessary to get you past this hump. It doesn’t mean you have to stay on this medication forever; only until you have more tools under your belt to be without it. Also, if you’re currently on an anti-depressant and you’re questioning whether it’s working properly, it’s probably time to visit your prescriber again. Remember that it can take up to 6-8 weeks for the medication’s benefits to kick in, while you might feel the side effects more immediately.

5. Take it in

While this is not the most exciting time of the year for you, can there be any beauty in taking in the vibrant colors of the leaves, the rustling of leaves against the wind, or the crunching of leaves under your feet? What about the beating of rain on pavement, the dancing flame from a crackling fireplace, and the warmth of peppermint tea against your lips?

This will pass

This season is here and it will pass. Since there’s no ushering it away, I hope there’s a part of you that can find it a friend, rather than a foe.

And if you need a therapist to help you ride out this season, I'll be here!

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. This fall, she noticed the changing colors of the leaves more. Her favorite food group this season is all things squash and her favorite activity is baking.

What 9-11 has to Teach us about Human Connection

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We all remember

I venture to guess that we all remember where we were on Sept 11, 2011. I had recently moved to Seattle and I was living with my aunt. I got up to get ready for work and turned on the radio for background noise. Then I heard the news. It was surreal. While we were still sleeping in Seattle time, all four planes have crashed and the twin towers have collapsed. I quickly woke up my aunt and we raced downstairs to watch the news. Our hearts sank. As a Chinese Canadian new to living on American soil, “Is this what happens in America?” It was unbelievable.

I have another aunt who lives in Long Island, NY and her husband works in Manhattan. We promptly made calls to all their numbers. Busy tone. We might have made other calls to family members; I no longer remember. Seeing that there was little we could do, I was late, but headed into work. My aunt left work early that day. We got in touch with Aunt Noelle later on that night. The rest was a blur.

What people did that day

It made sense that the phone lines were busy. The cell phone network was overloaded as most people called somebody they knew in NYC. Family, friends, colleagues, past nanny. Somebody.

And the interesting thing is, we did not just call people in NYC. We also called and spoke with others who didn’t live there. I spoke with my parents that night and they live in Vancouver, BC, Canada. We called my Aunt Lisa who lives in town. Where they resided was irrelevant. When we sense fear, and a terrorist attack would do that to us, we reach for connection with the people closest to us. We reach for them because they matter to us and they bring us comfort. If people we know are not around, we reach for strangers because any human connection is better than no human connection.

A culture of self-reliance

But, aren’t we an individualistic society? We’re often self-sufficient and capable and many of us go about our everyday lives with little help from others. Even if we have a need, we might hesitate to speak it. If we ask and don’t get a response, we might decide to do without the help. We pride ourselves in being independent.

Could it be that we need each other more than we’re willing to admit? Could it be that our desire for closeness and connection in times of threat speaks to that need?

Coming together

16 years ago, we sought comfort and connection from each other following one of the worse terrorist attacks in American history. Similar stories follow when we go through other crises: an increase in political unrests bans us together against the many “isms” in our society; the wake of Hurricane Harvey prompted Houston and nearby residents in rescue efforts using boats, stand up paddle boards, or just wading through chest deep water.

And it’s not over yet. Hurricanes Irma and Jose are happening as I type this. There will be many more natural and man-made disasters to come. But, we will have each other. Coming together and seeing the value in being with each other will help buffer us through the storms of life.

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She can be reached at ada@peoplebloomcounseling.com.

When Depression & Anxiety Come with Cancer

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Let's face it. It's enough to go through cancer diagnosis and treatment, let alone the emotional ups and downs that often come with it.

Questions that might trouble you

As a result of your cancer, sometimes you have questions about the past: "Did I do something wrong to cause this cancer? Could I have prevented it?" "What if I had __________________ before it got to be too stressful? Would that have made a difference?"

Other times you might have questions about the future: "My neck hurts. Is that cancer?" Will I be able to see my granddaughter graduate from 2nd grade?" "How will my family be without me?"

While it's normal to ask these questions, often times there really isn't a way to answer them. These questions might linger if you struggle with depression and anxiety. 

Depression and anxiety post cancer

What we know from cancer research is that depression and anxiety are common symptoms during and post cancer treatment. While depression might dissipate with time, anxiety lingers as you're reminded of your cancer everyday. 

Some of these symptoms might be treatment related, but could this be you? 

You might be struggling with depression if you experience the following: 

• feeling down, depressed or hopeless
• having little interests in things you used to enjoy
• sleeping too much or too little or have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep
• having low energy 
• having little appetite or want to empty the fridge
• feeling irritable 
• experiencing mood swings 
• having trouble concentrating 
• withdrawing from friends and family 
• feeling hopeless, guilty and/or angry
• having thoughts about being better off dead or hurting yourself 

You might be struggling with anxiety if you experience the following: 

• feeling nervous, anxious or on edge
• feeling like you cannot stop or control your worries
• finding yourself worrying too much about different things
• having trouble relaxing
• feeling restless and it's difficult to sit still
• feeling easily annoyed or irritable 
• anticipating worse case scenarios

Sometimes anxiety is felt in your body. You might be struggling with panic symptoms if you experience the following: 

• pounding heart 
• sweating 
• trembling or shaking
• shortness of breath 
• feelings of choking
• chest pain or discomfort
• nausea or abdominal distress
• dizziness/light headed
• chills or heat sensations
• muscle tension 
• feel out of control 
• fear of going crazy
• fear of dying

Life after cancer

If you identify with these symptoms that go beyond an occasional sad day or feeling stressed out about something, there is hope! You don't have to settle and let cancer drag your down. Rather than cancer driving your life, you can make meaning choices in the face of cancer. That way, depression and anxiety symptoms, even when they arise, won't bother you as much. 

If you need help putting cancer in the passenger seat, I'll be here. 

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Ada Pang, MS, LMFT is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice in WA. She helps unhappy couples and cancer patients. That can also mean couples distressed by a partner’s cancer diagnosis, or couples wishing to use their marriage as a resource during their cancer journey. When she’s not thinking about couples and cancer, she is cognizant about choices that make for a meaningful life. This often involves food.