Holding Orlando in my Body

Shortly after writing and beginning to process the two tragedies in Orlando, a 3rd happen. I cannot imagine what it's like to have been there, to be the family, to be witness to such loss, to hope that it wasn't the case, to wish it away every time I think about it.

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There is a tendency for me to enter into the experience of another and to carry this tension, this stress in my body. For days, I went around, trying to keep going, ignoring the signs that it's not possible. My neck and shoulders were sensitive to touch; I couldn't carry my usual backpack without having to put it down at every opportunity. My body was telling me I wasn't well. I didn't want to listen, until I could no longer ignore it.

I have a 4-day conference to attend and my backpack will be my constant companion. I finally made time for some mindful yoga, of slowing down to care for my body, to pay attention to it and let it know it is important. My body responded in kind.

I don't mean to undermine the magnitude of all that have happened in Orlando by talking about yoga as a solution. I do invite you to care for you, to listen to what you might need. Given all this, what would be helpful right now? What would still keep you close to the things and people that matter to you?

My body is crying writing this and it begs for another slowing down, another stretch. Just know that I'm here if you need anything.

Orlando Tragedies – How do I Respond? How can you Respond?

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I love The Voice and I have an off and on crush on the winner of season 6, Josh Kaufman. As a result of listening to his music, I would come across the amazing voice of Christina Grimmie, who came in 3rd that season. I share the shock and grief of many fans around the world when I learned about her death over the weekend. I couldn't wrap my head around this reality and would go through moments in my day, thinking that it's surreal. Such a beautiful life, taken from us.

Before grief even had time to sink in, I, along with the rest of the world, experienced more losses in the worst mass shooting in US history. These 49 victims have names, faces, and ties to loved ones. They had aspirations, were wonderful students, and held jobs that served the communities in many ways. My heart is broken and my body is heavy. Those injured are still grappling with their own mortality.

How do I respond to NOT one, but two Orlando tragedies?

I can tell you I want to hide.

I want to withdraw from others.

I'm in shock and disbelief.

I feel cynical about the state of our world.

I want to give up.

I think the world is unsafe.

I feel like a news junkie, which is very unlike me.

I want to protect my loved ones.

I think about the last time I've lost a loved one and how difficult that was.

Those were my knee-jerk reactions. I let myself stay there for two days and tonight, I got online to write this post. I talked about it with my hairstylist, my sister, my parents. I gave my husband a long hug when he came home from work and I'm keeping abreast with what's going on without over-indulging.

What about you?

I want you, the reader, to know that your thoughts, feelings, urges to withdraw, desire to connect are very real. I'm with you. I also want you to know that prolonged viewing of these traumatic media coverage will lead to more stress reactions, as shown by UC Irvine researchers when studying media exposure to the Boston Marathon bombings.

Please, limit your media exposure to these Orlando tragedies. Know enough to know what has happened, but don't follow every post and definitely not the playing and replaying of related videos and audios. Turn off the TV, the radio, the computer, the phone. Connect on social media around your grief, but meet face-to-face. Go to a vigil; host your own mini one. Take a break from talking about these events and just be with the other. We are not meant to go through such atrocities alone.

And, let me know if you need help processing all this or if it's awakening past trauma. I'm still here. 

Why James Bond would Make a Terrible Lover and why Moneypenny should Really Rest her Case

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Ah, James Bond. Who doesn't love James? Since marrying my husband and his DVD collection, I've watched all the 007's. Suave, charming, sexy, smart, dressed to the tee, always on these James-will-never-die conquests to save the world. Unattached and emotionally constipated, he always manages to capture the hearts of gorgeous women and take them to bed.

According to the co-developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy, there's a reason why these beautiful women would only want to make love to him once, at most twice, and that's it. Sue Johnson describes what determines success in couple relationships is this sense of love, connection and closeness. Two people are available, responsive to each other and have each other's back. James, on the other hand, “will always be James,” leaving his love interests waiting, longing, and lonely as hell.

It is for these reasons Moneypenny should really take her infatuation elsewhere. Her yearning will be tickled at most, but never satisfied. It's a temporary illusion that James would ever want her, as he's always one mission away from desiring someone else.

Need help staying close and connected in your intimate relationship? Shoot me an email!

Trying to Please Everyone? Kiss your Ass Goodbye

A Parable by Aesop

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An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked: “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.” They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The thing is, if you try to please everyone, you might as well… Kiss your ass goodbye.

Need help staying true to yourself? Give me a call!

Top Deathbed Regrets. Why Wait?

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3-min Video: An Unbelievable Gift

You've Got Cancer? What shouldn't I do?

Wanna make someone feel worse when they've cancer? Here's how:

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1. Talk even when you don't know what to say - Years ago when my friend's wife was diagnosed with leukemia, his buddy didn't know what to say, so he said this: “Man, at least you get to marry another woman...”

2. Begin your sentences with “At least” - If you want to minimize one's experience with cancer (or anything for that matter) and remind them how much better they have it compared to people in Syria, the words, “at least” is the way to go.

3. Tell them you understand when you really don't - A patient has taught me I can only guess or imagine what it's like to be in their shoes; to say that I understand when I've never been can be a real put off.

4. Share about your aunt's cancer story, and your grandma's... - Not to say there isn't a time and place to share cancer experiences, but just because you have a story to tell does not mean the one with the cancer wants to hear it. It helps to ask first.

5. Expect that things are back to normal post-treatment – Meal delivery is over, hair is growing back, party pics made it on FB, life's back to normal, right? Cancer brings a new normal. While it might not be your job to constantly remind the other of their cancer, just know that this is only the beginning of the journey.

Here's an earlier post on what to do instead. 

And if you need help navigating through all this, give me a call!

You've Got Cancer? What can I Do?

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Ever wonder how to approach a friend, a loved one when they are first diagnosed with cancer and going through treatment? Here's my first post on what to do. What not to do will come later...

1. Do nothing – Gotcha! Sometimes there isn't anything to do but to simply be with that person.

2. Validate – Let them know that it must be very hard for them... You can't imagine... This really sucks!

3. Offer company – Sometimes in our not knowing what to do, we disappear. Offer your presence, hear them out, hang out.

4. Talk about something else – Cancer can be all consuming. While it might be important to give cancer its spotlight, let's also move onto something else.

5. Offer help – What can you do? What can be helpful? Want a ride to an appointment? Oil change? Go to a ball game? 

6. Set up long-term help – It's hard to ask for ongoing help, let alone when you're emotionally overloaded. Assuming you know your friend, you can set up meal delivery, house cleaning, and baby sitting, email treatment updates, etc. 

7. Bring comfort - Cancer treatment is unnerving for the human body, in more ways than one. Find out what will bring comfort to your loved one and do it! Is it a particular type of food for the foodie, flowers for the visually stimulated, or a card for the, um, card person?! 

8. Use humor - Break up the monotony! A friend recently told me this was the funniest thing she had said to her while going through treatment: “Well, you're the healthiest looking sick person I've ever seen!” Sure, be sensitive, but know that cancer patients need to laugh too.

9. Touch - Cancer can make your loved one feel like their body is damaged. Don't be afraid to offer touch. 

Help need walking your loved one through cancer? I'm here!

Lessons from Cancer?

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I was recently asked to comment on whether there might be any positives to the cancer experience. As a Medical Family Therapist with a special interest in working with those touched by cancer, I quickly put on my thinking cap...

Cancer sucks AND it can also a great teacher. It can force you to reconsider your life and what you're living for and why. It can make you realize you do have a choice beyond the auto-pilot of daily living and that pace is yours to set. It can help you question your own mortality and those around you and hopefully, guide you to better the elements of relationships that are within your control. Cancer can also pull together communities to support you and connect you with those you didn't know well, while deepening existing relationships. That said, cancer also puts you on the receiving end such that you might, perhaps for the first time, learn to receive rather than give.

Let me know if you'd want more!

Chronic Worrier, Anybody?

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No doubt, we all worry. What is that person going to think of me? Am I going to make this work deadline? What if it rains tomorrow and we need to take the party inside? When there's an actual threat of something going awry, worrying can be helpful because it motivates us into planning ahead and changing the things we can.

However, often times, worrying stems from a perception or a fear of things going wrong. It then becomes unhelpful when we're worrying for the sake of worrying, or when we think that worrying can somehow help us cope with life's problems. We get caught up in this endless loop.

Here are some ways to interrupt the cycle of chronic worrying:

1. Identify your triggers – what gets you worrying in the first place? Then what thoughts and feelings did you have next? If you don't recognize the cycle, you can't stop it.

2. Ask yourself, “Is there a problem to be solved?” – if you legitimately need to work a few extra hours to meet the deadline or come up with a plan B for the party, do it! If not, notice that your mind is playing the “worry tape” again.

3. Drop the struggle - “Don't worry, be happy!” If this had worked, we wouldn't have 40 million people in the US struggling with some form of anxiety. Intentionally trying to stop thinking about something only makes you think about it more. Try it now. Don't think about a white polar bear. What happens? You think about a white polar bear. It's not about fighting with your thoughts, but letting them come and go.

4. Notice your thoughts – is your mind feeding you worries that are “what if's,” unhelpful patterns that you can do little about? If so, acknowledge those thoughts again and again, but choose to not engage further. One way to do so, according to the tradition of Acceptance Commitment Therapy, is to say, “Thanks mind!” This may sound weird at first, but try it! You're re-training your mind and flexing that muscle differently, with time.

5. Stay in the present – worrying takes you into the future that has not yet happened and that likely won't happen the way you envision it. Thus, when you find your mind drifting to the worries of the unknown future, bring your mind back to the here and now, over and over again. Come back to this moment, the only moment you have to live in and can do something about.

6. Accept the unknown – you want things to happen a certain way: to arrive home accident-free, for the cake to not topple over, to win the project bid... Who doesn't? Yet, there are so many things you have little control over. Acknowledge that you are limited, still make plans, but hold them loosely. 

Here's an earlier post on what to do with runaway thoughts. 

Need more? Give me a call!