What's Really Going on When You're Emotionally Triggered

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It doesn’t take much to be triggered

We’re still in the middle of a global pandemic and it doesn’t take a lot to get triggered. People are not following social distancing rules. You and your partner can’t agree on how much precaution you need to take. Your parents don’t understand the severity of the situation. On top of all that, there are the stories of George Floyd, Christian Cooper, Ahmaud Arbery and Breonna Taylor. And the list goes on. 

The thing is, it’s not a matter of if you get emotionally triggered but when. When you’re triggered, it helps to slow down for a moment and notice the following*: 

1. What is your trigger? What are you reacting to? What is making you feel uneasy, riled up or vulnerable? We do not all get triggered the same way by the same things. Identify your trigger.

2. What is your body telling you? It takes a fraction of a second for an alarm bell to show up in our bodies. Where are you feeling the sensation in your body? Some people talk about their muscles tensing up, their stomach fluttering, their chest feeling heavy. Your body is trying to tell you something is off. Listen to it.

3. What do you tell yourself? What often follows is an internal monologue. “Do people know how important it is to wear masks?” “Why is my mom going out again like it’s business as usual?” “Black. People. Dead. Not. Again.” Whatever you tell yourself, notice it. 

4. What are you feeling? See if you can trace an emotion to what just happened. What are you feeling? Frustration. Annoyance. Anger. Indignant. Whatever is showing up, they’re valid emotions.

5. What else are you feeling? Feelings are like layers of an onion. On the surface, you might be feeling some emotions initially. If we were to really dig deep, we often find that there are deeper emotions like sadness, hurt, fear and pain.

6. What do you want to do? Like a knee jerk reaction, you might want to yell, to lecture your mom, to seek justice. Whatever you might want to do, know that there’s a difference between wanting to do something and actually doing it. 

7. What do you really need? Is there a resolution you’re seeking?
   “I want people to know that as a nurse, we almost lost a dear colleague and we’ve lost too many patients to COVID. The grief is too great. I don’t want to see you in urgent care. Please follow CDC guidelines.”
   “Mom, I get scared when you are out and about and not maintaining social                distancing because I don’t want to lose you.” 
   “Black. Lives. Matter. We don’t get to stop spreading this message, not even for a health pandemic. We’re tired of losing our men and women. We’re sad and we’re afraid. We need you to know that we matter, not in spite of our skin color but simply because we do. We. Matter. We are an important part of society.

Slowing down and taking notice

Often, we go from trigger to action in a matter of seconds without really slowing down and noticing what’s going on for us. When you do take stock of your trigger, your body’s response, your narrative, your feelings, your action tendencies and your needs, you might find that there are various ways to deal with an external situation that that you initially may have felt you have no control over.  Even if you were to notice just some of these elements, that’s still more helpful than none at all. 

This is an exercise that needs to be experienced, rather than intellectualized. Whether it’s a systemic problem in the world or an issue in your relationship or in your individual life, how you respond to triggers is important. If you’re feeling stuck and you need help figuring out your responses, our counselors are here to help. 

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With a heavy, heavy heart,
Ada

*Ideas borrowed from Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples and individuals.

Tips for Coping with the Effects of a Global Trauma

Photo by Robina Weermeijer on Unsplash

While stuck at home, you’re feeling things you may have never felt before. This isn’t a typical global crisis. So much of this pandemic involves isolation, waiting, unknowns, and not much action, unless you’re on the frontlines. But the effects on the population as a whole are felt, nonetheless.

During a global crisis...

• You may feel fatigued, confused, angry, restless, sad, helpless, distracted and/or super alert.

• You may feel trapped, like life is on hold.

• You may feel safe at home.

• You may feel bad about feeling safe at home.

You may skip between these feelings constantly. You may not know how to behave or what you ought to do when you’ve been given so many mixed messages.

Even when you allow yourself to have a good laugh about all that’s going on, when you pull away from this YouTube video or that TV show, the reality is still there. 

Your routine has been disrupted, at the very least. If you’re on the frontlines, you cannot unsee what you have seen.

It’s ok if...

• You aren’t getting as much done

• You aren’t eating super healthy

• You’re not eating enough

• You’re overeating

• You don’t always show patience with your partner or children

• You’re sleeping too much

• You’re not sleeping enough

Please extend grace to yourself. This is especially important when your best doesn’t feel like your best. 

“Normal” reactions to trauma 

All of your reactions are normal. In this context, “normal” just means common; we universally and instinctually share these reactions and traits. Your reactions are human, understandable and to be expected.

“Normal” will look slightly different for each of us, but there are some recognizable universal ways that we all react to dangerous situations.

Common trauma responses, one of which is less well known

When faced with danger, whether real or perceived, humans instinctively respond in the following four ways. While they’re not neatly categorized, see if you can spot yourself in one or more of these reactions:

• Fight –  In fight mode, you may show aggression about the state of the world as a whole, but this also manifests as angry outbursts taken out on those around you for seemingly unrelated reasons.

• Flight – In flight mode, you feel like running away from the danger, but this can also show up as forms of escape: becoming hyper-focused on work, or diving into projects and tasks that distract you from all the negative events in the world.

• Freeze – When you don’t know whether to fight or flee, your brain can resort to another option: shut down and freeze. In temporarily tightening up your muscles and paralyzing yourself, you hope to be away from danger. Your brain is subconsciously playing the game of “If I can’t see them, they can’t see me.” 

• Fawn or faint – The fourth and least talked about reaction to danger is to fawn/faint. When you fawn/faint, you have no energy to fight, flight or even freeze. You feel so helpless about the situation you become co-dependent or people-please. Sometimes, this can show up as frontline workers taking on extra shifts or working beyond their limits.

Normal reactions may be common survival instincts, but they aren’t always helpful for your well being. While your reactions make sense, they can lead to anxiety, depression, sleep deprivation and worsened mental health.

It can be distressing when there is so much we have little control over and so much we don’t know. So what can we do to feel better when the world feels out of control?

Focus on what you do have control over and take it day-by-day

1. Pay attention to what your body needs. In times of stress, it’s incredibly easy to lose track of your needs to the point where you don’t notice you are hungry, thirsty, need to pee or are tired as heck. Cortisol stress levels are high, and your body needs extra care to stay in balance.

Check in with your body. Take a break, eat well, and rest when you’re tired. Do everything you need for self-care, and then some. Do everything you need for self-care, and then some.

2. Make a schedule and keep a routine. If your typical schedule has been disrupted, create a new routine around specific activities for you and your family. Pick up new activities and/or hold onto the ones you know well. Having a routine creates a sense of security, comfort and normalcy, even if the “new normal” is not what it used to be.

3. Unplug. No really, unplug. Wellness blogs have been advising us to take a break from tech since the internet was born. It’s advice we take or leave under normal circumstances, as is convenient for us. But now more than ever, it’s crucial to take a break from the (bad/confusing/alarming) news and noise. Set timers for yourself for how long you scroll or tune in. Turn instead to the tangible activities you can do at home or in nature. You might find that some of the weight of the world is temporarily lifted off your shoulders. 

The news cycle and the tweets will be there when you’re in the headspace  to return. Frankly, you won’t be missing much.

4. Practice gratitude. It’s so easy to fixate on the decaying state of the world, and to let that be the main focus of your thoughts and conversations. Make a special effort to pay attention to what IS working. Notice what’s going well, even in the small bubble of your life. There’s a big world out there, and everything about it could make us worry if we let it. Are your people healthy for now? Check. Did the sun come out? Sweet, that’s a win. Did your kids do their online homework last night? Miraculous! Did your banana bread come out perfect this time? You’re a master chef and a genius. Little things can become huge when we invite them in.

5. Help where you can. Are you in a special position to donate your time or resources? While frontline workers and tired parents understandably are excused from these activities, some people are in a unique position to give back. Many of those folks are itching to help any way they can. You can donate to local arts or buy restaurant gift cards for local hospital workers. If you are crafty, sew face masks to distribute to friends and neighbors. It’s a sense of doing something, anything to make a positive impact. 

If you haven’t been doing some of these things until now, that’s okay - what you do today matters. If you start taking small steps, you’re doing a better job of taking charge today than the day before. 

And, if you help with these things, we’re here for you. 

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz and Insurance Guru at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. She’s a homebody, so being stuck at home means more time for cooking, playing with the dog, and finally getting to work on house projects that she’s been putting off.

Couples in Quarantine: What to Do When your Partner is Driving you Bananas

Photo by Soroush Karimi on Unsplash

When “quality time” isn’t all that quality

Not sure about the rest of you, but this involuntary “quality time” is kicking my relationship’s ass. This, by far, is the longest and most uninterrupted one-on-one time most of us have likely had with our significant other(s). For some, maybe it’s bliss. For others, it’s frustrating as heck. It doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed forever, but you might be seeing some wrinkles and wanna iron some things out.

Your world just got smaller

The vast majority of our relationships blossomed when the world was still movin’ real fast. Maybe you were finishing up your college degree, working towards a promotion, relocating, or juggling kiddos as a single-working parent. It could have been new to cohabitate together, but independence was still an option, AKA you could leave. Now, instead of venting to your BFF over happy hour, you can go...to the other room? Not exactly the space some of us need following what Jerry Seinfeld refers to as a “spirited exchange of ideas.”

What does confinement bring out in you? 

Being confined to a certain square footage can bring out the worst, and sometimes best, in us. Maybe you are a thriving (but neurotic) home-body like myself, content with chipping away at the second round of spring cleaning… also expecting that your partner jubilantly participates :D. Maybe you need rest, blankies, and lots of internet bandwidth to support your Instagram scrolling and Hulu binges. Neither are wrong-- one does not seep of moral goodness more than the other. They’re just different, and both are okay. 

Brene Brown pointed out in her new podcast** that in times of stress and/or drastic change we tend to either overfunction or underfunction. Some of us do ALL OF THE THINGS in order to gain some false or fleeting sense of control. We organize, create, connect, and micro-manage. Some of us do ZERO OF THE THINGS. We implode internally and try to drown out the unimaginable with lots of sleep, comfort food, and maybe wine (definitely wine). When we feel overwhelmed or out of control, humans have different ways of responding. 

How to have more constructive arguments “spirited exchanges”

Mutually responsive and fulfilling relationships require both willingness to accept innate differences between ourselves and our partners, AND willingness to grow as individuals. We need to understand our emotional needs and have self-compassion for why they’re there (a huge benefit of therapy). We need to have courage and ask for these from our partner, AND we need faith that they will be willing to meet us there (therapy can also help with this). When I say meet us, I mean show up. When I say show up, I mean listen. When I say listen, I do not mean listen to respond-- I mean listen to understand. It’s impossible to hear our partner when our ego desperately fights to protect itself from shame. Instead of hearing our partner say we did a thing that was hurtful, shame creates a shit-ton of static and we hear that we are a thing that is hurtful.. This feels just ick. 

Your ego does a great job sabotaging you - but you can tame it

So what do we do when we feel ick? Try to stop it. This is our ego trying to repair itself by defending, justifying, overexplaining, or looking for faults in our partner’s story about us. While the ego’s job is to protect the “but-I’m-a-good-person” image we have of ourselves, we know it rarely leads to conflict resolution or genuine repair with our loved one. Neither party feels understood...so we try to be understood, and understood!, and UNDERSTOOD!!! until there is screaming, tears, hurt hearts, and sleepless nights. 

I was crushed (still recovering) after discovering that I, IN FACT, am capable of hurting the people I care about. Though I’d never intend to harm someone I love, I do sometimes. I am a flawed, imperfect human (SHOCK AND AWE). I don’t always say what I mean, I turn my day of poor self-esteem into a criticism grenade and throw it at my partner. It doesn’t make me a heartless butthead, it just makes me human-- makes US HUMAN. It’s a great first step to notice our protective mechanisms. Awareness and acknowledgement of the defense is a first step to learning how to respond differently. 

Get curious about yourself and your boo

There’s a lot of real crappy crap happening (and not happening) right now for all of us. Many are experiencing extreme grief, trauma, anxiety, or depression. It’s hard to be our best selves with so much unknown...so much loss...so much change...so much isolation. We’ve got differing opinions around how to best respond to this. Differences are hard. Please be patient with yourself around however you’re showing up to this, and please be patient with your loved one. Get curious about how your partner might be coping with these circumstances, how it’s impacting them. Are they over or underfunctioning? Are you over or underfunctioning? Can you talk about these things AND LISTEN to your partner with compassion...to really understand? And then… can you really apologize for your role in any hurt?  That’s for next time. 

Your SOS

If you’re having a hard time with this stuff, I can be your SOS. We can talk about your patterns and how you can get your needs met and meet the needs of your significant other. It’s ok to reach out for help. In fact, that’s one of the bravest things you can do right now, to use this quarantine time to work on your relationship, when both of you are home. Our therapists trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy get it, and we’re here for you to figure this out, together.  

*Some ideas from this blog was borrowed from Harriet Lerner’s Why Won’t You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts.

**Unlocking Us, podcast by Brene Brown.

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. During her time at home, she's drawing from the challenges and wins in her own relationship to help couples and individuals feel more secure in their most important relationships. She strongly believes feeling safe and secure with the people you rely on during a health pandemic can be just as important as having a stockpile of wine.

Why your Old Coping Skills Don’t Work During a Health Crisis and What to Do About it

Photo by Marvin Meyer on Unsplash

In Washington State, it has been 7.5 weeks since the first reported COVID death and six weeks since the shelter-in-place order. This all feels like a long time ago and also only a few weeks ago. We’ve all done our best at coping, at taking things day-by-day. Whether you’re a frontline worker, employed and working from home, or someone out of work, if you find that your old coping skills are not working like they used to, you’re not alone.  

There are a number of reasons why the usual coping methods haven’t worked:

1. Your access to coping strategies is limited. If you used to grab coffee with a friend, workout at the gym, or grocery shop for fun, those coping skills are no longer available to you. Meeting virtually is not the same, it’s hard to put structure around your online workouts and you’re needing to readjust your mask while dodging shoppers who are not respecting your six feet bubble. Whatever adaptation you’ve made to cope with the added stress has its limits.

2. You’re dipping in and out of survival mode. If you feel like you’ve gotten into a routine last week, there’s no guarantee that this next week will stay the same. If you had a work crunch where your self-care went out the window for just a few days, the impact of getting takeouts, staying sedentary and feeling socially disconnected can easily be amplified during a pandemic. It can be hard to maintain your gains. 

3. You have less bandwidth for curiosity and exploration. Pre-COVID, when there isn't a global state of threat, transition and overwhelm, you have more bandwidth to approach your children’s questions, your partner’s bad day, or the problem at work with curiosity. “What’s going on?” “Help me understand…” “How do I solve this?” On the other hand, when we’re under constant threat and stimulation, even a neutral event can make the best of us more irritated or withdrawn.

Emily Nagoski, a famous sex educator, describes two opposing responses when rats were placed in a normal stress, highly relaxed or highly stressful environments. Rats tend to either approach or avoid. In her TedTalk titled, “The keys to a happier, healthier sex life,” the lab rat experiment starts at minute 5:12 -

If you’re feeling more like, “Wah! What the hell is going on?!” that makes a lot of sense.

So when your usual coping skills are not working like they used to, what do you do? 

1. Develop new ways of coping. This seems like a no-brainer, but we all have a tendency to do more of the same while expecting different results. You will visit a coffee shop again, work out at the gym and leisurely gather items on your list at the grocery store — just not now. What are some things you can do now? Can you imagine building a vegetable garden for the first time, taking walks and discovering new streets in your neighborhood, or finally dusting off your sketchbook? Is an online yoga class more tolerable with a friend? When you gather your social circle and everyone actually put on real clothes and order pizza from Tutta Bella, would that make Zoom movie night feel more “together”?

2. Be okay with some ups and downs and take baby steps. If you didn’t take care of yourself as well as you could have before, it is okay to start today. Expect that you’ll be thrown off schedule at times, and then get back on. Do you need to safeguard your Sundays to prepare for the week? How much takeout is too much? Would doing 20-minutes of a workout be better than doing none? Just as the cumulative effects of stress are felt over time, so are the cumulative effects of self-care.  

3. Reach out for help when you want it, not just when in need. If you’re used to toughing it out, now is not the best time. You don’t have to wait until you’ve hit rock bottom to ask for help. Your difficulties make sense and your friends can come alongside you to share your burdens. Dare to ask for a check-in, a card, a care package, a surprise. Be patient because it’s more effort making it to the post office, because Amazon deliveries take longer. And for once, stop thinking about giving back. Just receive and know that this is someone else thinking and caring for you. 

If you need help, don’t hesitate to reach out. We’re here for you.

Warmly,
Ada

The Three Important Elements of Self-Care for All Times, but Especially Now

Image by aedrozda from Pixabay

It has been over a month since our Gov. Jay Inslee issued a “stay-at-home” order” order in WA. Usually, a month goes by and we don’t even notice. But, the quote circulating around social media is funny because it’s true: it really does feel like there are five years in April. Ok maybe not five years, but it does feel like we’re on the 12th week of April at my house!

Just when you think you have transitioned, think again

Now that we’ve had six weeks of practice (or, 5 years depending on how you experience time), we should have it down by now, right?! After all, we just need to carve out a space to work from home, make a schedule of things to do with the kids, meal prep for the whole week, cook endlessly, remember to fit in workouts because that’s what healthy people do, and then repeat. No big deal. 

Just writing all that makes me want to crawl back into bed. 

Whether you’re an essential worker who’s exhausted from your shifts, someone working from home or recently unemployed, or a parent who never signed up to homeschool your kids, it has been one adjustment after another. With the constant transition of new protocols at work, no school during spring break to now five assignments a day, it can be easy to forget what self-care looks like for you. Before the pandemic, you used to know how to do this, but now it takes so much more.

Self-care according to popular culture

Most people think about self-care as eating well, sleeping well, regular exercise, meditation, etc. It is all that and then some. Taking care of your basic needs is only one aspect of taking care of yourself. While doing the basics can be stabilizing during a health crisis; you might find yourself needing more with the passing of time. While you might not feel like you have the bandwidth to do more, engaging in these activities can actually strengthen your bandwidth. 

Do productive work 

Statewide, nearly half a million people are unemployed from the coronavirus. Meanwhile, people on the frontlines might feel like they’ve worked multiple shifts in one. In either case, we’d need to redefine work. If you went from having a regular work schedule to now being out of work and stuck at home, productive work is no longer limited to paid work. Instead, it can mean navigating the unemployment website, looking for a job, scheduling out your week with activities that are a little bit challenging, but not overly so, and actually doing them. If you’re a frontline worker and you often leave work feeling like there’s more work to be done, it’s a different strategy for you as well. 

If you’re unemployed

Self-mastery is a fancy term that speaks to gaining a sense of mastery over your life by doing things that help you feel more confident and in control. This is especially crucial during a time when you did not choose your circumstances, and things are very shitty right now. Self-mastery involves doing tasks that require some effort, but you’ll feel good about yourself when you’ve done them. Here are some additional examples of productive work during our shelter-in-place:

• Take care of your personal hygiene even if you have nowhere to go

• Pick up and sort through mail 

• Do laundry

• Clean up around the house 

• Take care of people in your home

When you don’t have income coming in, it can be tempting to stop all forms of work. But, when you engage in activities that you know need to get done, it can help you feel a sense of accomplishment, that today counted for something. It’s not meant to be life changing; but it can help move the needle forward in the slightest ways.

If you’re a frontline worker

If you’re not asked to do more during each shift, you might be “strongly urged” to pick up additional shifts. With needs that don’t seem to be letting up, it’s hard to feel like you’ve done enough after a day’s work. And no matter what you did, there were things outside of your control. Perhaps a patient died during your shift, you came back to a warehouse full of next day deliveries, you could’ve been even more thorough with disinfecting that near empty office… Did you make a dent today? 

You did. 

You did the best that you could for the day. Unless you’re a robot, your best fluctuates each day. With the current state of affairs, it’s hard to be firing on all cylinders, day after day. So productive work is more about having done your best and then coming back the next day and being okay with your best then too. 

It can also help for productive work for frontline workers to include non-paid work. Having a small project where you get to see the beginning, middle and end could help you feel like you were able to tie a bow on something. Here are some examples: 

• Putter around in the yard and plant something 

• Change out that burned out bulb 

• Cook your favorite comfort food recipe

• Clean out your garage (Yes, this can be a big ask. Even just a corner of it is enough)

• Tackle a jigsaw puzzle that is a bit difficult for you

Engaging in these or other activities can remind you there are ways to feel accomplished outside of work. And, work is not all that there is. 

Take care of basic needs

So, what are our basic needs? It’s actually a pretty long list:

• Rest the brain with sleep

• Drink water

• Stay hygienic 

• Eat food that fuels the body 

• Empty our bladder and bowel 

• Feel safe in our environment 

• Have a shelter over our head 

• Wear comfortable clothing 

While none of the above are rocket science, we do put our bodies through a lot and expect it to bounce back. With the stress of life, we may sometimes forgo some basic needs without recognizing it. And yet, it is especially during these trying times that we need to pay close attention to our basic needs. Because, when was the time you did the following:

• Stayed up too late or stayed in bed for too long? 

• Felt dehydrated?

• Fished clothing out of the dirty laundry basket?

• Ate what you knew would make your body feel bad, ate too much or skipped meals? 

• Held your pee or your poop when you needed to go? 

• Ignored your body’s signals when you felt either too cold or too warm?

• Stayed in the same posture for way too long?

When we’re not in a pandemic, we may go through moments where we ate out a lot, got little sleep, survived on energy drinks and (hopefully) recovered. When things are going awry, taking care of our basic needs is a buffer against the constant stress and illness. It doesn’t mean you have to do everything perfectly, but being mindful of the elements that are missing and being intentional about ways to bring them back would be helpful.

Make time to play

It’s not enough to do productive work and take care of your basic needs; you also need to find time to play. If you equate cleaning with play and find it exciting to meal prep many times over, these activities help, to a certain extent. You also need to laugh, to have fun, to allow room for creative endeavors. 

When there’s a shortage of time and money, here are possible solutions: 

• Show up for a scheduled online board game

• Work on an art project 

• Go for a bike ride with your kids

• Take a walk and notice the blooming flowers and young leaves

• Try a new recipe 

• Play your guitar, piano, cello, something

• Try an online class that you’ve been meaning to take in person 

• Do kids yoga as a family, even when you don’t have kids

• Watch this short video about how a music teacher is coping with teaching online:

The key here is not to achieve something; that’s under the section of productive work. Rather, it is to have a good belly laugh, to let yourself cut loose, and to share fun times. There are enough seriousness, restraint, and unknown in the world right now. People’s opinions about COVID will always be there. You’ll hear about plans for re-entry when it comes. Trips to the grocery store aren’t going to feel normal for a while.  But when you play, you’re shaking off the cumulative stress. 

It’s the restoration we can all use right now.

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Hi, I’m Ada. Here’s how I’m (trying) to practice what I preach -

• For productive work, I wrote this blog post today.

• For basic needs, I made too much food last week and too little this week. Next week, I might have a better handle on things. I’ll do my best then. 

• For play, I’m taking an online class where I learn to illustrate recipes. It actually works better for my schedule. 

I hope you find your work, (body) care and play too. 

Warmly,
Ada

A Simple Word Exercise to Help Frontline Workers Decompress During their Breaks

Photo by Ashkan Forouzani on Unsplash

Being Adaptive

I once went to a training where an ex-firefighter turned marriage counselor told the story of post-911 rescue efforts. He was in a damaged building next to “the Pile” with his buddies, looking for survivors. They moved cautiously and strategically for fear that what remains of the building would collapse. They had to muster up the courage to keep going and push aside any feelings of vulnerability. It was only when they were back at the station could they commiserate about being incredibly scared that they might not make it back to their families. 

He went on to explain that the most adaptive people he knows are those who have learned when to turn their emotions on and when to turn them off. It’s not functional to wall off your family at home because you’re still in work mode, and nor is it helpful to melt into a puddle at work. 

This is not to say you can’t have a bad day at work, especially during a time like this. I’m not going there with you right now, not in this post. I am explaining how I’ve structured these exercises as a way to help you turn on and off your emotions, depending on where you are in your shift.

Statements to help prepare you for work, during work and after work

Below are statements that I’ve come up with to help ground you throughout the day. While I’m not in your line of work, I try to put myself in your shoes and walk around in them as I reflect on what statements could be helpful. If you can come up with better statements, or can ask your partner, your kids to give you a phrase to remember at work, please do. “Mom, I’m so proud of the work that you are doing!” is a good one. Remember that some statements may be more helpful at certain times than others. Statements like, “Daddy, I miss you! Come home to us!” may trigger more vulnerable feelings at the beginning of your shift than when you’re on your way home.

As you read the statements out loud to yourself with an emphasis on each of the bolded words, please let that statement sink in, time and again. The statement may feel differently to you, depending on where the emphasis is. They’re meant to help anchor you into the reality of the statement, to steady you, so please don’t be so quick to brush them aside. While they’ll not magically make you feel better in the moment, with practice, they can help you feel more present and centered. Reading them out loud and taking your time with them is the best way to practice this exercise but it’s also possible to do the emphasis quietly within. Read it together with a colleague, six feet apart, except for when you’re in the loo, of course. Or, read it by yourself.

Before your shift

The last day you worked is behind you. Whether that was just hours ago or a few days ago, it’s most helpful to focus on what’s ahead. While our mind might want to trick you into thinking that you’re still reliving a past experience, your body resets every time you wake up. Today is indeed a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

The past is behind me. Today is a new day. 

During your bathroom break

You’re taking a breather but you don’t have a lot of time. Instead of scrolling through your phone while you’re on the can, read this statement instead: 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself.

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself.

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself. 

I am taking care of others. This is me taking care of myself.

During your lunch break 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

I am doing the best that I can. That is all that I can do. 

On your way home

You have carried the weight of the day on your shoulders; it’s now time to let go of that load. Up until now, you’ve needed to wall off your vulnerable emotions to stay sane and do your job well. It’s time to turn them back on. If that means you need to cry in the car, shake your body out (in no particular fashion), call up a good friend, pray to your higher power... do what you need to do. Then consider this last statement to prepare you to go home: 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

My shift is behind me. My family is before me. 

And please make it safely home.

Warmly,
Ada

Thrown into Working from Home? Here’s How to Do it Without Losing Your Mind

Photo by James McDonald on Unsplash

When working from home is a mandate

Whether you’re self-quarantining or your work place closed, you are probably spending more time than ever before at home. COVID-19 is inducing a strange sense of panic and calm in people - torn between a sense of urgency to do something but stuck at home with nothing to do. We’re all finding a new normal from within our homes. I’ve heard all sorts of accounts from friends stuck at home and finding creative ways to pass the time. These accounts include cleaning out pantries, (finally) doing taxes, taking up cross-stitching, practicing musical instruments from high school, and even hand writing letters to family!

It’s understandable to worry about the future in these uncertain times. But instead of letting COVID-19 consume us with anxiety, we can all take this opportunity to develop helpful home habits and ride through the chaos.

This goes for the new remote workplace as well. 

For those of us in the workforce who are suddenly placed on mandatory work-from-home, the ability to do so might come as a relief, but the transition to remote work is definitely an adjustment. I’ve been working remotely for three years so social distancing is my jam! Working remotely has its perks, but the isolation and lack of structure can upset your flow and make your job harder than it needs to be.

Tips for successful work-from-home-days

Set up a comfortable, private workstation

I can’t stress this enough. You may be thinking - but this is only temporary, I’ll just push all this crap on the dining table to the side and set up my laptop here for now. I wouldn’t recommend it.  If that’s how you roll, you’re not going to get anything done.

The best thing you can do for your sanity and your physical health is to choose a designated spot where only work happens, and make your workstation as ergonomic as possible under the circumstances. I know we can’t all afford to buy a second monitor and office chair with lumbar support, but if you have those things, use them! Bring them home from the office if necessary. Set up your desk so that you can stand at it even if it means stacking phone books under your monitor to raise it up.  If you’re on the phone a lot, invest in a good headset.

Make sure you are able to get privacy. If you can choose a room with a lock, all the better. If not, use a “do not disturb” sign such that when work gets extra busy, kids or roomies know not to walk in on your conference calls.  

Almost as important is to set up a space that is aesthetically pleasing to you. Do whatever gets you motivated for work! Find a spot that gets natural light. Keep your space tidy. Put a plant next to your computer. Put things around you that are soothing. Do you need a coaster for your coffee, the coffee being the key here? Are your hands so dry from all that hand washing that you’d want to keep your favorite lotion around? In the same way you’d decorate your away-from-home office, it can be fun to do the same for your at-home office.

Get dressed and get ready to face the world

Seriously, get dressed. Even if no one will see your face for days. Getting dressed helps you feel more confident and professional, and you’ll act accordingly. The days that I’m still in my sweat pants and oversized space cat t-shirt at 5pm are my worst days. I end the day depressed and feeling like I never really started the day.

I’m not saying you have to wear your pencil skirt or tuck in your shirt. Unless it’s required for your line of work and you’ll be videoconferencing the whole day, I’m a big advocate for doing away with traditional office attire. But do put on clothes that make you feel confident, comfortable, and ready to face challenges. If you can, keep it casual Friday at home as well.

If you never know when you may need to hop on a video call or training session, wash your face and tame that hair, like you (sort of) care!

Set a schedule and stick to it

Think you might be a slacker? 

Are you worried that if you’re left to discipline yourself, you’ll just binge watch The Great British Baking show and eat cheesy poofs all day? I hear you. When I tell people I work from home, they often respond with “I couldn’t do that, I would get so distracted and not get anything done!”  You may think you can’t be trusted to actually work, but in reality, if a job has to be done, and if you’re capable of doing it at the office, you’ll muster up what it takes to do it without your supervisor watching your every move.

The thing is, people crave structure. If you don’t have any order to your day at home, you’re going to feel pretty scattered, and trying to work that way is unsustainable. Set a work schedule similar to one you’d keep in the office to avoid wasting time. Tell your coworkers when you'll be available so they keep you accountable, and also let them know when you’re logging out. This means setting timers - multiple, if you have trouble sticking to schedules. 

For the workaholics 

On the other hand, can you see yourself struggling to separate work from life? I get carried away with work, and before I know it, I’m working 10-12 hour days, and my back is sore from all the sitting. Set boundaries for yourself based on the kind of problems you foresee having. Make a rule that you won’t check work mail after a certain time of the day. As tempting as it may be to compulsively come back for more, notice that urge and direct your attention to doing non-work again.

This also includes taking a lunch break! And please, no checking email or even looking at your computer for at least half an hour! Oh, I know you’re going to try to eat at your desk. Don’t. Eating at your desk prevents you from putting aside precious me time.  When you worked in the office, you did things like go out for coffee or walk between buildings to break up your day - you still need that when working from home. You work hard - give yourself that break.

Find ways to socialize and interact so you don’t feel so isolated

Social distancing does not mean social isolation. Physical distancing is a more accurate description. While many introverts are rejoicing at the mandate to socially distance, others are going to miss and crave that social interaction of office culture. For many of us, work is our main social outlet - after all, we spend 75% of our days with these people! No more chats with coworkers, coffee breaks with your work-pals, and happy hours with Katie catching up on the latest juicy gossip. You’ll miss giving Pam a knowing look when Michael says something insane (shout out to The Office…anyone?). 

Socializing aside, there are also benefits to having coworkers on hand to actually work with. Brainstorming ideas and team work will need to be restructured from home. You may find out that virtual staff meetings aren’t as effective if you can’t do quick check-ins with Paul after. Not to mention the number of email exchanges just increased by two fold, as if you didn’t have enough to catch up on at all times. Find the best balance to be able to communicate while also getting work done in a way that doesn’t drive you bonkers.

Schedule video calls regularly

To resolve this dilemma, you’ll have to go out of your way to interact with others. Days could go by before you see another person. If you work in a team, call or set up regular video calls for debriefing sessions. Google Hangouts or Zoom allow you to do that without a hitch. Running ideas by your coworkers can help you process. Without an outlet for that, ideas can stew in your head and become anxieties. Seeing their face will also help you remember there’s a human behind that flurry of emails and make you feel more seen as well. 

The importance of communication

If you report to a supervisor, check in with them to let them know your progress on projects. When everyone is scattered in their respective remote locations, tasks can get lost without clear communication. Task management apps like Trello make it easier. Group chat platforms like Slack are great for keeping communication up with your team.  

Be very deliberate about leaving screen time behind

So, we’re about to be spending at least a third of the work days at our computers, and when that’s done, we’re probably going to be tuned into social media, scrolling through the latest nerve-wracky breaking news.  This gives us very little time to…human. Before we all turn to androids, let’s break that addiction cycle by shutting that computer down and going outside. If you haven’t been quarantined or put on lockdown, go on a hike, away from it all. If you have a backyard, play fetch with the dog, throw a ball around with your kids. If you have a balcony, sit out there and bask in the sun with a book you’ve always wanted to read.

We’re not going to be able to release tension by socializing at the church potluck or local pub for a while. I have a feeling that nature is going to be our savior in the coming months. This is our chance to ground ourselves in just being people on earth.  

It’s ok to not work straight through

Your boss might disagree, but with the stress of it all, it’s hard to be firing on all cylinders All. The. Time. Even with your best attempts, you’ll be interrupted, your mind will drift, you’ll be tired of doing video calls all day long. You know what it takes to get the work done. As long as you’re getting it done, it’s ok to take time to tend to your kids, make a call to your insurance rep, or place a grocery delivery order. If you need to take care of some personal business during the day, that’s ok - that’s how work-life balance is created. 

Get movin’!

Back in the office, you were mostly confined to your desk, in that awful L-shaped seated position. If you needed to stretch it all out, it was probably awkward to foam roll on the floor every couple hours with Debbie in HR watching. But now….you’re home! This is your chance to move your body and keep it safe from those injuries related to a sedentary lifestyle. Set a timer to do regular stretches to keep your body healthy - the last thing you need is a neck cramp when all the chiropractors are closed.

If there’s a silver lining 

Find the balance that keeps you from going stir crazy. The nice thing is that your hours are usually more flexible when you’re at home, and that can actually yield more productivity than being confined to a cubicle for eight hours of the day.

Maybe this whole situation will build better, healthier work habits. After all, it takes an average of 66 days to form a new habit. We’re about half way there. We can either worsen neck and back pains, stress eat, and feel even more secluded in our Seattle freeze when we come out of this health crisis….or, we can pick up a new hobby, make meaningful connections in our communities and realize that we’re more resilient than we know. This is a scary time, so here’s to the long haul.

Before I log off, I want to remind you our counselors are here for you. They can chat over video if you need someone to talk this out with. Even when you’re physically distancing, there’s still a way to connect. They’re as real behind a screen as they are in person. 

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Karen Lenz is the Office Whiz and Insurance Guru at People Bloom Counseling. She writes blog posts as a human navigating this world, a client sitting across from a therapist, much like you. In these stressful times, she has never been more thankful to have her dog Ziggy by her side during her work days. He loves making appearances behind her in conference calls and getting laughs out of everyone! He makes all the stress melt away and reminds her of what matters most.

The Truth Hurts, and that’s Not Just the Song - Part II

Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

In my last post, I declared my fandom for Lizzo, briefly introduced Health at Every Size (HAES) and disputed the BMI myth. 

Today, I want to tell you more about HAES and how it’s disrupting the way we see ourselves, for the better.

Why Diets Don’t Work

Can you think of anyone that has lost a significant amount of weight by intentional dieting, especially within a short period of time and not gained any of it back? It’s unlikely, because diets have a 95% fail rate.* Our bodies all have something called a “set weight point,” which is basically a happy place that our bodies naturally like to hang out in. It fluctuates either direction about ten pounds, dependent on a slew of factors including hormones, water, and bowel (yes that means poop). When we try to defy it with restrictive diets, our metabolism slows and our body does whatever it can to get us back to home base. That’s because our body is trying to keep us alive! Yo-yo dieting messes with our metabolism, hunger/fullness hormones, and in addition to weight gain, has worse long-term health outcomes than not dieting at all. 

When it’s never enough 

If you, like myself, have been a historic yoyo dieter… you’ve probably noticed that even in the times you do manage to “lose the weight,” you’re not completely satisfied. There’s always more to go - five more pounds, one more size down, one less pinch of extra skin on your hips. It’s never enough, even when it was supposed to be. Most of us really never have that “Hells yes, I’m done!” moment where everything in life seems in place once we lose the weight or fit into the pants. Even those in the thinnest bodies have insecurities, and would change things about themselves if they could. Then what does that tell us? It’s not about the weight. We’re looking for something else. It could be a sense of control… maybe acceptance. Perhaps some sort of “good enough-ness.” It’s okay to ask for help to begin to peel back these layers when we’re ready. 

When food is food

What if we could create a culture where food is just food? We eat what makes our bodies feel good, in honor of what our bodies do for us, and not our clothing size. When we aren’t denying ourselves by numbers and caloric deficits, it’s amazing how food begins to lose its power; a power that humans ascribe to it. Down with the food rules. Instead, we should be listening to our bodies tell us what to put in it that makes us feel our best...and how we choose to move it, move it. 

The importance of physical activity

Speaking of movin’ it, one of the best predictors of long-term health is regular activity. Rather than using exercise to compensate for consumed calories, reduce guilt, or as punishment, we should be finding ways to honor and appreciate our bodies through movement that we actually enjoy. Our bodies do a lot for us, and they deserve a little (or a lot of) appreciation. Not everyone has the privilege of mobility...but those of us who are able-bodied are able to jump, dance, walk, and play. And that should count for something. Ya don’t have to love your body all the time, or even like it. We just hope that you can despise it less and appreciate it more. And even though your body does cool stuff for you, it’s just the shell we call home for our short time in this life. There’s a whole self inside of you who holds your true worth, and your sense of self is not contingent on the shell you reside in.

How Health at Every Size is changing the game

The HAES movement is pushing for change. Instead of an obsession with losing weight, we want to lose the weight stigma, and educate the public on empirically supported indicators of health and well-being.

The Official Health At Every Size® Principles*: 

1. Weight Inclusivity: Accept and respect the inherent diversity of body shapes and sizes and reject the idealizing or pathologizing of specific weights. 

2. Health Enhancement: Support health policies that improve and equalize access to information and services, and personal practices that improve human well-being, including attention to individual physical, economic, social, spiritual, emotional, and other needs. 

3. Respectful Care: Acknowledge our biases, and work to end weight discrimination, weight stigma, and weight bias. Provide information and services from an understanding that socio-economic status, race, gender, sexual orientation, age, and other identities impact weight stigma, and support environments that address these inequities. 

4. Eating for Well-being: Promote flexible, individualized eating based on hunger, satiety, nutritional needs, and pleasure, rather than any externally regulated eating plan focused on weight control. 

5. Life-Enhancing Movement: Support physical activities that allow people of all sizes, abilities, and interests to engage in enjoyable movement, to the degree that they choose. 

But wait, there’s more! 

The information above is just scratching the surface. There are A TON of fantastic resources available for HAES informed material and oh-so-much greatness to learn. I know it’s peak season for diet culture. So instead of Googling “best weight-loss plans for 2020”, I hope you do yourself the favor of leaning into the resources below:

https://www.sizediversityandhealth.org/index.asp

https://haescommunity.com/find/

Instagram: #haes 
(This hashtag will connect you to various body positive/HAES informed accounts of professionals, advocates, and just regular bad-ass people)

*Data Borrowed from -
Body Respect: What Conventional Health Books Get Wrong, Leave Out, and Just Plain Fail to Understand about Weight by Lindo Bacon and Lucy Aphramor.

And https://www.sizediversityandhealth.org/content.asp?id=152

Lastly, if these resources aren’t enough and you need a professional to be with you on this journey of self-care, come see me. Let’s get you started on self-love.  

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. She longs to help create a world where women and men learn to love their bodies.

The Truth Hurts, and that’s Not Just the Song - Part 1

Photo by Iyunmai on Unsplash

The latest celebrity gossip 

In case you haven’t been keeping up with the latest celebrity gossip, I have some tea for you! Fitness trainer Jillian Michaels was heavily criticized for a post on social media. This had nothing to do with her workouts, but it had everything to do with her body shaming musical artist Lizzo about her size and insinuating that she’s at risk for diabetes.

There was a lot of backlash on social media for this inaccurate statement. Let’s get one thing straight: Lizzo plays two-hour shows while singing, dancing, twerking, AND playing the flute...in heels. That woman has got some serious stamina!

Health at every size 

Michael’s comment is a reminder that a lot of the world still needs to catch up with the progressive Health at Every Size (HAES) movement, pioneered by the brilliant and courageous Linda Bacon. If you’re not familiar with HAES, please keep reading because the following information could be life-changing. It sure has been for me. 

Negative word association 

Our culture has stigmatized folks in larger bodies for decades. Think of the word “fat”... what comes up for you? Did you get a little spike of anxiety? Maybe a mental image of a larger-bodied person eating a super-sized meal? What words do you associate with “fat”? If you can only think of negative words and images, you’re not alone. 

Our culture has long taught us that fatness is associated with laziness, gluttony, grossness, and overall badness. It is easy to gloss through these words and carry on as if they don’t have an impact. Except they do. Take a moment with these words: Laziness. Gluttony. Grossness. Badness. There’s nothing good about these descriptions. 

Fat people are often treated worse than people who are so called, “skinny.” Society tells us that fatness always equals unhealthiness. This belief is perpetuated by misinformed medical/wellness professionals who use illegitimate measures of health based on weight. 

The BMI myth

The labels most commonly tacked onto fat folks are “obese” and “overweight,” which both originated from the Body Mass Index (BMI), an algebreic calculation used as an indicator for health risk based on height and weight ONLY.* It does not account for a lot of other variables to make our bodies different: water, hormones, bone density, muscle mass, activity level or other factors. By this measure, Lebron James would be flagged as overweight. If medical professionals are only using the BMI chart as a reference, they’d let him know that his knees might stop hurting if he dropped some lbs. Even though the medical field knows better than to actually apply this measure to athletes, it is still often applied to the general public.

Taking back the label

HAES proposes that if the BMI measure is BS, so are the labels. The words “obese” and “overweight” have implications of poor health, which isn’t an accurate experience of every larger-bodied person. We’ve all seen this: some larger-bodied people can run a half marathon while other “model-looking” individuals have trouble climbing a small hill. Someone’s size does not tell us the whole picture about a person’s health and capabilities! 

Because of this, people in large bodies are reclaiming the word “fat” as an identifier and working to end the stigma. Just as someone can be neutrally tall or short, they can be neutrally fat or thin…and all of it is okay. 

Learning to be okay with your body

If you’re struggling with living life as a person who identifies as fat, I see you. Maybe you’re struggling with living life as a perfectly imperfect-bodied person, I also see you. When I think back at a comic of a young average-sized woman in front of a mirror, asking, “Which bit would you alter first?” I really liked the response of the woman across from her, perhaps it’s mom or someone from the medical profession: “The culture.” 

Come on in if you’d like help learning to be okay with your body. Let’s help you love your body for all that it has to offer you!

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Abby Erickson is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps people with anxiety and social anxiety learn ways to better manage their angst. She also helps people struggling with low self-esteem and body image issues be comfortable in their own skin. She longs to help create a world where women and men learn to love their bodies.

Teens: 7 Tips to Help a Friend who’s Feeling Suicidal

Photo by Duy Pham on Unsplash

Dating myself

When I was a teen in the mid-90’s, the internet was just becoming a thing. Rumors were spread through word of mouth or note passing. I know. Hard to believe. When high school drama happened, the same news lasted for days, sometimes weeks. It meant that if I had a spat with one group of friends and tried to join another, I had time to go through the highs and lows of what happened.

Comparing myself to others was inevitable, but was limited only to people I knew. Popular culture still held impossible beauty standards, but photoshop did not exist back then. Mario Kart and Street Fighter were the video and arcade games of the time and shows like 13 Reasons Why were unfathomable. I was an average student and the pressure to excel and competitive college admission were not nearly as grueling as they are today.

It’s so different being a teen in 2019.

If I were a teen today

I’ve visited schools like Redmond High, Lake Washington, and Bellevue High and I try to imagine what it’s like to walk the halls as a student. That would probably be hard to pull off. But I still try to imagine it.

I wonder if I would feel included. Would I put on my ear buds and appear to not care?
Fire drills would be as boring as they were in the 90s, but how would I feel about active shooter drills?

Scrolling through Instagram, would I obsess over who my ex is talking to? I imagine the thoughts that would run through my mind incessantly: I wonder if he’s talking to Kenzie. Why can’t I get my IG posts to look like Kenzie’s? Why did I wear these tights today? My over-sized sweater isn’t oversized enough to cover my butt. I don’t feel ready for the math quiz even though I stayed up until 1am, studying for it. Sam will probably ask me if I want any edibles again. Awkward.

That’s probably a toned down version of what some of you might be going through. There is so much pressure on teens to be and do and act a certain way. Sometimes, the pressures of life push people to the brink of considering ending their lives, even if these thoughts and feelings are fleeting.

Jack Klott, an expert on suicide prevention talks about thoughts of suicide being a common experience. When life feels unbearable, suicide is seen as a way to end the pain. While this may not be your experience, here is how to help a friend who is feeling suicidal.

Tips for helping a friend who talks about wanting to end their life

1. Try to stay calm – I say try to because I know it’s not easy. Your friend is talking about wanting to do something that’s completely irreversible and you ought to take their words seriously. But, when you’re freaking out, it can send the message that they should’ve never told anyone and cue them to go back to isolating themselves.

2. Thank them for telling you – it takes a lot of courage to admit that they’re struggling and struggling to this extent. In an age of image crafting where people put their best everything forward, any signs of vulnerability should be encouraged. Yes, whether they’re telling you for the 1st time or the Nth time, thank them for sharing with you.

3. Tell them they mean a lot to you – one of the reasons why people want to end their lives is because they didn’t think life is worth living. People stay alive because they’re hopeful about the future, because they have friends and family who care about them, because they cannot leave their dog, because their faith prohibits them, because the physical pain will be too much, and for many other reasons. While you are not responsible for their life, you can be a potential reason for them to choose to live. Tell them they matter to you.

4. Touch base with them – even though you may not know how to help your friend who feels suicidal, staying in touch sends the message that you care. Your presence, your willingness to be in their lives is telling them, “I see you. I’m here for you. How are you today?”

5. Tell them about the following resources:

   • Teen Link is a confidential and anonymous hotline in WA staffed by teen volunteers trained to talk to other teens who are going through a tough time: call or text (866) 833-6546.

   • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (800) 273-TALK (8255) or text CONNECT to 741741 in the United States.

   • TrevorLifeline for the LGBTQ community: (866) 488-7386 or text START to 678678 in the United States.

   • Now Matters Now has many videos to help people deal with suicidal thoughts

6. Talk to an adult – you are a teen yourself, feeling some of the same pressures mentioned. Don’t bear this burden alone or amongst your friend group. Even if your friend who disclosed disclosed in confidence that you keep this a secret, we take thoughts and talks of suicide very seriously. Tell a coach, a teacher, a school counselor, a parent. Any adult. They have access to more resources and have more life experiences and training to get help for your friend.

7. Take care of yourself – it’s hard being the one holding the weight of this disclosure. A part of being able to share the burden with adults is so you can free up some space to take care of you. Please talk to others about how you’re doing. Keep going to your basketball practice, jamming out to Taylor Swift, and doing all the things you used to care about. You’re not responsible for your friend but you are responsible for you.

Support for you

If you need someone to talk to about these matters or the challenges of being a teen, we’re here for you. Bob Russell sees a lot of teen boys and Abby Erickson, girls. Let us know how we can help.

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Ada Pang is the proud owner of People Bloom Counseling, a Redmond psychotherapy practice. She helps unhappy couples find safety and connection in their relationship. She also helps cancer thrivers and their caregivers integrate cancer into their life stories. She’s committed to helping people find a life worth living, no matter their age.